7 Quick Takes: Take 8

TGIF!!  I wish I could tell you all that the sun is shining and spring is on it's way, but quite frankly, the weather sucks here in Michigan currently.  It seems we may miss spring in it's entirety this year.  The forecast for the next week doesn't look any better, so hopefully this blog will bring you a little sunshine and hope for the week to come!  12 days til I head to Florida and I CANNOT WAIT!!!

***1***

So, something that has made this week a little more exciting for us is we got a Wii this past weekend! No it's not a WiiU, it's just the basic old Wii.  (So 2009, right?)  BUT We LOVE it!  It has been so fun!  It has been a great tool to help us both get more active.  And my husband, who says he bought it for me, is enjoying almost more than I am.  He'll even dance with me to Just Dance to help me out!  We both lack coordination, but we have a lot of fun and laughs....just what we need!

***2***

I remember reading for years that women should lose the weight earlier in life than later because your metabolism slows down...well, I think that's true!  I have been working really hard these last few weeks and the weight loss is slow....really slow.  I know that they say that "slow and steady wins the race," but come on!  Throw me a bone here! I bought an ActivityLink from Weight Watcher that monitors my activity level for a week and then gives me goals to get more active!  I am hoping that will be the boost I need.  Fighting depression hasn't made that any easier, but I am fighting each day to get up off the couch!

***3***

Remember in the 80's/90's when we all wore neon colors? Have you seen some of the pictures?  Slouchy socks, scrunchies, bike pants...all neon.  Yes, I have seen the pictures too, which makes me wonder why again in the year 2013 I am once again loving all things neon!  Maybe I need some bright and cheerful colors in my life, but I seriously can't get enough of those vibrant colors!  Hopefully, my neon is a little more refined and subtle, but it's all neon nonetheless.

***4***

I have to tell you about the best thing I cooked this week!!  My husband and I were both drooling at the dinner table!  And it's a Weight Watcher's recipe!  Go to the deli, get some prosciutto. (6-8 thinly sliced slices) Then cut each slice in half long ways.  Wrap each piece around an asparagus spear.  Then on a flat griddle pan, sprayed with Pam spray, cook about 10 minutes until prosciutto is nice and crispy!  SO GOOD!!!  Weight Watchers...about one point per spear and worth every point!

***5***

This week I received 4-5 cards in the mail.  Have I ever told you how much I love to get snail mail?  Of course I hate to get the bills that arrive, especially the countless medical bills we are dealing with currently, but when I see a hand addressed card from someone it brightens up my whole day! 

***6***

Speaking of cards, yesterday I went to the Hallmark store.  I honestly don't know if there is a better place than the Hallmark store.  I love cards!  My mom and I used to go the local Hallmark and read cards forever!  We would laugh out loud at the funny ones and even give each other cards in the store.  My mom was good about giving cards and passed that love on to me!  I wish cards weren't so darn expensive these days, but I sure love giving and getting them still!  "Hallmark, When you care to send your very best!"

***7***

One reason I have received so many cards of late is that a lot of my friends know that this coming Monday, April 15, is not just tax day, but it's also my son, Jackson's, due date.  It's been really hard for me.  Several friends of mine on Facebook have had children in the last 2 weeks and I am so happy for them and so sad for myself.  I just can't shake the thought, "That that should be me. I should be posting happy picture of my son's arrival."  But alas, it's not.  Only God knows why that is, but it's definitely a time of great struggle for my husband and I.  We are having a Mass offered in his honor on Monday at our church and I am planning on visiting the cemetery for the first time, but it's not enough.  My arms still remain empty and a hole remains in my heart.  So my friends, I ask for your prayers over these next few days.  We are trying to keep our spirits up and heads held high, but it's a struggle and a conscious effort.  We love you sweet baby boy!

7 Quick Takes: Take 7

If you live in Michigan your days have undoubtedly got a little brighter as spring has finally decided to show herself and hopefully the sun rays have hit your face a time or two in the last few days.  Quick takes were on hiatus for Good Friday, but I am back!  Here we go....

***1***

On Holy Saturday my husband and I celebrated 2 years together!  Two years since he asked me out on our first date.  Can you believe it's only been two years??  Wow!  What a whirlwind of two years! In hind sight that seems so short, and yet, I can't remember life without my hubby these days!  We've learned a lot about love, life, and each other in these two short years.  I can't wait to see what the next 2 hundred years have to hold for us.

Our first picture as an official couple.  :)

***2***

 On Easter, I made my first official Easter dinner.  Ham, cheesy potatoes, grape salad, and a trifle.  It was wonderful!  I really rocked it out using my grandmother's famous ham recipe.  One small...err, BIG...problem.  I cooked for 10 people instead of 2.  Let's just say we enjoyed that meal for days to come. 

***3***

Speaking of food, Easter dinner set me off on my love of cooking once again.  I had been in a slump this winter, for a variety of reasons, and this week I found my love of cooking once again!  I have enjoyed cooking new meals for the hubster and I and remembered how much I enjoy cooking.  Homemade split pea soup, banana ice cream, and a wonderful and fresh Mexican orzo dish!  I actually get excited about cooking!  Perhaps one day this will wear off, but I love trying out new recipes and growing as a cook.  We love trying and critiquing new dishes!  Yum!

***4***

The problem with loving food....it loves me back...especially my belly and butt!  So, now that I am feeling a little out of the fog, I have gotten serious about losing weight!  I have enjoyed walking outside and getting back to Weight Watchers.  (For real this time....)  I am going with a great friend which helps with accountability and makes it fun!  This week I am happy to report that I lost 5 lbs!  Woo hoo!!  It was just the kick start that I needed to get back on track!  I am hoping to keep it up and get back to where I am feeling healthy and happy.  It's been a challenge, but I am doing it!

***5***

When I went to the doctor a few weeks ago they said I was low in vitamin D.  Why you ask?  Because we live in Michigan!  So I can't wait to head to Florida in just 19 days to get a large dose of Vitamin D and some hugs from my parents too!  I was talking to them this morning and they wanted to know my plans...basically I said sun.  Do you know what looks better than white fat?  Tan fat!!  I know, I know...it's not good for you, but I love a good tan!  AND it's just what the doctor ordered! ;)

***6***

Do the rest of you hate your clothes this time of year?  I do.  I have a closet and dresser full of clothes and I just sit and stare at my clothes in detest.  I am done with winter and ready for spring and yet, despite the sun shining, it's still a little cool outside.  Third world problems....I know...but I still am ready for sandals, capris, and some bright colors.  Maybe when I lose a few more pounds I will reward myself with some cute spring pieces!

***7***

Every day, my cat, jumps at the window and scares the heck out of the mail lady.  It's mortifying really.  The funny thing about this is A) she really is a scardy cat and is afraid of everyone and B) when I apologized profusely to the mail lady one day, she stated,  "It used to scare me, but now I am used to it."  Oi vay!  So embarrassing, but I do have to say, it makes me laugh every time.  When we have the screen in she clamps on like a real psycho!  I do not know what gets into her!

Well people, it's Friday...it's supposed to rain all next week, so get out there this weekend and enjoy the sunshine and mild temps!!  Until next time....

Where were you?

This morning a dear friend and fellow blogger posted this song on Facebook.  Sometimes we wonder where God is when bad things happen.  I know both my husband and I have struggled with the anger of why God took our son.  In some ways, I think I've just come to accept that it is what it is.  I took it as an act of faith.  I think though I recognized with this song that I neglect to actively acknowledge The Cross. 

 

Christ's Cross is not just something we talk about on 

Good Friday and perhaps Easter, but rather it was a real true moment in our salvation history when Christ died on the cross for MY SINS.  The only reason I have any joy or hope in this world or the next is because Jesus endured the worst pain imaginable on that cross for ME.  And you. And the whole world.  Today I will try to really reflect on that.  Yes, we rejoice Easter morning in the Resurrection, but without the cross there is no resurrection.  We cannot leave out that part and only focus on the good.  "You take the good, you take the bad..." Sometimes Catholics are criticized for having a crucifix up on our walls, but today more than ever I understand why we do.  It doesn't mean we won't have Easter joy on Sunday, but we remember why we can have joy...His dying on the cross brings us hope.  So where does this lead me in my sorrow?  To the cross, to the place where my Lord endured and sacrificed so that I may one day be united with my son.  He doesn't wish us pain in this life, but the reality is that while sin still exists there will always be pain.  We can't avoid it, but when we face it we know that our Lord and Savior has "been there, done that."

 

May all of you remember The Cross of all crosses today and know that our joy on Easter morning is only celebrated when first we endure Good Friday's tragedy.

 

 

 

 

Seek Ye First...

This weekend Tom and I went away for the weekend. We hadn't been away since our honeymoon in July, and with all that has transpired over the past 8 months, we knew we really needed to get away. Being the middle of Lent, we also had wanted to do something spiritual during this holy season, so we started our weekend off with the Michigan Catholic Young Adult Conference. We booked a room and headed to Lansing. And although I struggled with some anxiety the first night, I was really looking forward to hearing Steve Ray speak on Saturday. He's a Catholic Convert like me and I love hearing conversion stories. His, of course, was no exception.

As Steve Ray was speaking about his conversion story, however, he quoted a scripture that struck a nerve with me. Matthew 6:33 says, "But seek you first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you." Now don't get me wrong, Steve Ray didn't say anything wrong, he just said something that didn't sit well with me. You see, since losing our son after only 4 days on this earth, and being a devout christian, I really struggled with (and still do) the injustice I feel. (I apologize in advance for the judgmental nature of these next thoughts, but I prefer to be real than act as if I didn't have these thoughts.) You see, in my opinion, Tom and I lived out this verse. Although both flawed, we DID put God first in our lives. We both waited a very long time to get married to the other. We knew from the beginning that after waiting so long, God finally, in His wisdom, brought us together. We tried very hard to court one another in a christian way. We waited until our wedding night to make love for the first time. And again, let me stress, we were in no way perfect through this and struggled at times, but we did try and put God first in our relationship. And so when we found out we were pregnant after only being married a few weeks, we were overjoyed! There wouldn't be the pain in child bearing that was there waiting for our spouse. We were, however, wrong. An insufficient cervix would change that all. We would often sit in the waiting room at the hospital for yet another ultrasound and be the only married couple there. I would look around and get angry thinking, "These women probably don't even know who the dad is of their child and their child will be just fine , yet my child probably won't live." (It's hard to admit thoughts like this, because no child deserves to die and no mother deserves to lose her child, but I couldn't help but to think those thoughts at those moments.) And so when Steve Ray read this scripture and commented on the fact that God had indeed blessed him from that day forward, I got really angry. And so a conversation between God and I went like this:

Erin: "Why? This scripture is a lie." (I told you I was angry.)

God: "Isn't that thinking like the Prosperity Gospel that you so adamantly oppose?"

Erin: "Yes Lord, You are right, just because I am a christian doesn't mean that life is going to be all hunky-dory for me. In fact in the Beatitudes you promised just the opposite. But Lord, I didn't deserve this....we did everything right."

God: "Did those other women deserve it?"

Erin: "No, of course not, no woman deserves to suffer through this pain. "

At this point, although I suppose I knew this in my head, I had to accept this in my heart. There was no sin or action on my part, or anyone else's part that caused this for me or that could've saved me from this pain. Our actions don't cause bad or good things to happen to us. A Jewish rabbi wrote a book "Bad things happen to Good People." I had to accept that. But I questioned God still....with one lingering question....WHY?

At that point I again heard the gentle voice of our Lord whisper to me, "My Mother knows how you feel..." Mary...yes, Mary knows. Certainly Mary, who as a Catholic, I believe was conceived without sin, couldn't have deserved to lose her Son. In fact, she was the perfect disciple to The Lord, much better than myself, but she lost her Son. Mary knew what it was like to watch your son struggle to live and not be able to do anything to help Him. In fact, Mary was the person I prayed to when my Son was struggling. I would ask her to hold him when I couldn't be there and I ask her still to watch over my son until I one day am reunited with him in heaven. And although I ran to Mary in my time of struggle, I never thought about the fact that Mary knew exactly what I am going through. Mary felt my pain.

This morning, when I was having a difficult time escaping the depression, I walked upstairs and on the way I passed a picture of The Pieta that I keep on a table at the bottom of the stairs. I looked at Mary holding Jesus and the memory of me holding my dying son flashed before my eyes. I had come to accept by this point that I will probably never fully understand why Jackson was taken from us, but I knew I could draw peace and consolation from understanding Our Lady's pain of losing her only begotten Son. I pulled out 2 of my favorite books on the life of Mary. "The Life of Mary: As Seen by the Mystics" by Raphael Brown and "Mystery of Mary: Mary, Model of the Growth of Christian Life" by Fr. Marie-Dominique Phillippe, O.P. I began to read about The Passion of Christ, through the eyes of His Mother. And although I didn't get more of an answer to my "why?" I was reminded of the great intercessor, friend, and mother I had in Mary. Many people on this earth cannot fathom what losing a child is like (thank God for that...) but I have someone I can always turn to.

And so as Holy Week begins and we will once again walk with Christ to Calvary, I imagine it will be a little different for me this year. As I am carrying a very heavy cross myself this year, I will walk beside my friend and mother and allow her to encourage me. She knew she would one day be with her Son in heaven just as I will one day be there with mine. What a sweet, sweet day that will be...

7 Quick Takes: Take 5 1/2

TGIF!!! We've made it through another week, but we have survived! If you read my previous blog this week "In this Corner.." you know it's been a week of personal change and humility for me, so making it to Friday is a triumph!!

***1***

I have to admit something to you all. I have an obsession. I am a bit embarrassed and many of my friends can relate, but I can't get enough of Candy Crush! I can't believe it! I am not a gamer, never owned a video game in my life, but I cannot get enough of this silly game! My husband says I need to go to CCA, "Candy Crush Anonymous." It's bad! Oh well, I guess it could be worse, and right now I am stuck on a ridiculously hard level. It may push me over the edge.

***2***

I love our new Pope. He really cracks me up! Tom and I share nightly what the Pope did today to shake up the world and his security detail that day. It's great! I don't know if the Vatican was ready for Francis, but I think they are quickly learning. He's fabulous!! Rise up church, it's time for change, just not the change all the media expected!

***3***

I really need to give a shout out to a few select girlfriends of mine. I always knew I had the greatest friends, but this week I am keenly aware of just how wonderful they really are. Again, I shared earlier this week that I am going through some dark and difficult times in my life, but second to my husband, my girlfriends have been my rocks this week. The calls, texts, posts, shopping trips...they are there for me. I am so glad to have them. I can't imagine surviving life without them. I love you girls! (You know who you are!!)

***4***

My husband bought me a fancy bluetooth keyboard to use with my iPad. I love it! I can blog from here and don't have to get out my laptop. It's interesting to me that even getting out a laptop these days is slightly inconvenient. I fear we have become a fully Apple family. I am not sure if that's really cool or not. We will see..

***5***

This week I have been working on getting my prayer life back in order. It's a challenge for me, but so, so necessary. Thankfully, my friend and spiritual advisor gave me a great and simple game plan to get started. Back to baby steps...but back at it. I am falling in love with our Lord all over again. It's nice to be in His presence once again.

***6***

My friend, Jen, has a serious fear that I will one day become the cat lady. Weekly she reminds me that I better not start dressing my cat or adopting others by the cart load, but truth be told, I really love our cat. She cracks me up, makes me smile, and in some ways is my closest confidant these days. I know, that sounds really crazy, and maybe some of her concerns are valid, but my cat makes me smile. She's sassy, cuddly, and funny! All great qualities.

***7***

This weekend Tom and I get to attend a conference for Young Adults (yes, we are slowly aging out of this bracket, but we are squeezing in one more time..) I cannot wait to see some great friends, grow in our faith, and get away from it all for a few days! It's just what the doctor ordered! Pray for us that we both will be touched this weekend and will grow closer to God and to each other.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, folks!! Maybe next week I can write about how Spring actually is coming and we are enjoying the warm breezes and sweet sunshine...one can dream, right?

"In this Corner..."

When we first lost our son, Jackson, 3 months ago I bought some books on how to deal with losing a child. I went on blogs and joined support groups both online and in person. I was arming myself with every tool out there to not only survive this, but beat it! That's the kind of girl I am. I am strong and I am a fighter. And fight I did! Yes, I cried, yes, I was sad, mad, and even angry with God. (All of these very "healthy emotions" that you must feel...or so I have been told.) I was doing all the right things. I couldn't understand why all these people talked about how 3 or 4 months down the road, that's the hard part. I thought those women were not tough like me, or that they refused to move on, or that they didn't have the faith I have to get through this.

I thought wrong...

This past Sunday was the 3 month mark of my son's birth. We are just under one month away from his due date, April 15. And very suddenly, "my ass has fallen out from under me." I won't go into all the dirty details of the past week, but you can imagine lots of tears, fights, and exhaustion. And sadness...deep, deep sadness. I remember saying to a dear friend and confidant, "I shouldn't have to be stressing over getting pregnant, I should be stressing over getting ready to bring my son home." Oh and my poor, poor husband. I would look at him sometimes in the middle of a rage or breakdown and see in his eyes a woman he didn't know how to help or what to do with.

The fighter was losing the match...


Sunday morning I found that I wasn't pregnant, and much to my disbelief I was surprisingly relieved. My husband and I survived a busy and pleasant Sunday and went to bed. Monday morning, I woke up, got Tom off to work, and decided it was time to throw in the towel. You see grief isn't a match you win. Grief is grief, and it doesn't work on your timeline and it isn't a 12 step program. Sometimes grief deals the cards. Yes, I have choices. I still choose to get up every day and shower. I still choose to see friends and go shopping. I still choose to love God, despite the fact that He called my son home too early from me. But grief is going to happen and you can fight it or take it, but you will eventually deal with it. And friends, I was way too tired to fight anymore. So I made 3 calls. One to a priest friend of mine for confession and spiritual direction and the second one was to my doctor. Yesterday I saw both. I received help from both. The third call was to a social worker friend of mine who gave me the name of a counselor who helps women who have lost a child as I have. The last 2 days I have slept for almost 3 hours during the day. I realize I am literally exhausted from fighting for 3 months. My doctor and my priest both gave me good advice to slowly get back on my feet. I am working on routines. And yes, I am taking medication too. I need it. Probably not forever, but definitely for now. I am focusing on getting healthy again. I have gained about 20 lbs since I lost my son from comforting myself with food instead of dealing with this the right way. That too needs to change for me and for my future children.

Sick of faking...

It's only day 2, and even though the medication will take awhile to kick in, I feel better. I feel better because I finally decided to give myself a break. It's ok if I am still sad. It's ok if I am not ready to be pregnant yet. It's ok if my house isn't perfect...or even close to it. So many days I would run around for the 30 minutes to an hour before my husband got home from work so he wouldn't know I just sat around for most of the day. When people ask me how I am doing and I say fine, or better, or ok (because really that's what they want to hear) I guess I feel like I don't have to anymore.

This doesn't mean I have chosen to walk around moping now that I had this revelation. In fact, most probably won't notice a difference. But I will know. My husband surely will notice. And I imagine soon the fighter in me will resurface. For now, I am learning about asking for the help you need. It doesn't make you a coward or make you weak. In some ways it makes you brave, I suppose. It's not easy to ask for help. But "I get by with a little help from my friends..."

7 Quick Takes: The Saturday Morning Edition

Yeah Friday's Quick Takes didn't happen....and I have about 20 minutes today before I really must shower and a very busy day takes shape.  But I am giving myself a little break and getting a few things out before I do so.

**1**

I belong to a Women's Fellowship group that meets twice a month on Saturday mornings.  I think it is always the highlight of the week for me.  I enjoy so much getting together with women who share my faith and know what it's like to be a wife and a mother.  I think girlfriends are so important.  I get to go this morning.  I need it.

**2**

Yesterday, my sister-in-law and I had a little outing.  First, we started off with breakfast with another good friend and then we headed down to Hamtramck to pick up some Polish goodies.  We are having a Polish food party here tonight (poor planning the weekend of St. Patrick's Day, but alas, we are doing it up Polish style this year!) I was a little nervous heading to Hamtramck, not the best neighborhood, but found a great little bakery and store.  Marrying a Polish man I need to brush up on my Polish cuisine!  I am hoping we pulled it off!  I can't wait to head back to Hamtramck for some goodies for Easter!  What a diamond in the rough!  It was very nice to spend time with my sister-in-law too!  We don't do that nearly as much as we should!

**3**

I hate March still.  The snow this morning is not sitting well with me.  Go away snow!

**4**

Speaking of getting away from the snow..my hubby surprised me this week with a ticket south!  I get to go see my parents for my birthday.  I really miss them! It's been a trying year for us all and I can't wait to spend sometime with them...well them and the sun and the pool.  My husband knew what I needed.

**5**

I am ALWAYS affected (or is it effected?) by the Fall time change, but springing forward never seems to bother me.  Well this year is not the norm.  I have been a mess this week.  Yesterday, I slept for 3 hours!  I could not keep my eyes open.  It's amazing that one hour change can throw your whole life off!  Ugh, hoping to return to myself here soon.

**6**

I have always loved coffee, but lately I have become a junkie.  I find myself making pots in the middle of the day on top of my morning pot and nighttime cup or two!  I crave it!  Luckily, I have been trying to cut out the caffeine so I have been making more decaf than the real stuff, but man oh man!  I can't get enough!  Luckily, I am a plain coffee kind of girl, not Starbucks or foo-foo coffee drinks, cause that could get expensive quick.

**7**

I could use your prayers.  As Jackson's due date approaches I find myself struggling with grief.  It kind of comes back and bites you in the butt...hard.  Pray for my husband, too.  I know it's not easy being my husband some days and despite my effort to keep it together the truth is that this week I have failed that task. 

We have an incredibly busy weekend, so I better get off, but I pray all of you find some joy in those you love most!  Happy Saturday!