7 Quick Takes: Olympics' version

***1***

In just a few minutes the winter Olympics' opening ceremonies will be begin!  I love the Olympics! Kind of interesting since I am really not very athletic by nature, but there is something about the Olympics that I just love.  Maybe it's the pomp and circumstance, watching the underdog come to victory, watching the figure skaters fall (sorry, my dad and I always laugh together...not nice, I know) But whatever it is...I just love it!  I can't wait to see it all unfold.  The next 2 weeks I will watch more TV than usual.  I can't wait!!!  

***2***

Speaking of Olympics...today I did something I haven't done in a long, long time.  I walked over a mile!  After a crazy pregnancy that kept me on the couch or in a hospital bed for over 6 months and then the winter from hell my activity level hasn't existed.  I snuck a walk in with my parents' dog while visiting them and my goodness...it felt SO GOOD! I cannot wait for the weather to break and for Noah and I to hit the streets.  I am looking forward to trips to walk through Greenfield Village and around our neighborhood.  I am really looking forward to becoming active again and shedding a few pounds.  I suppose it's my Olympic sport...mama gets healthy!

***3***

We noticed Noah's weight gain had slowed down at his last doctor's appointment.  We had to make the decision to start giving Noah some formula each day to bulk up his calories and keep our little boy growing.  It was a hard decision for us, but a necessary decision because he can't take more volume right now for some reason, but he needs more calories than my breast milk can give him right now.  It has been both a good and bad thing.  The good thing is that Noah is sleeping a bit better because he's not as hungry.  The bad news is that our little guy has a bit of trouble with his diapers because of the formula being a little more difficult to digest.  I have never been that person who felt that formula is evil, but I wanted to give Noah breast milk for as long possible.  This was a good lesson for me in being flexible and being open to what is best for Noah.  We all strive to be the best mom we can be, but sometimes you just feel like maybe you are failing your child.  

***4***

I noticed this week that 80% of the pictures I take of Noah are when he is sleeping.  I think there is nothing sweeter than a sleeping baby.  I especially think there is nothing sweeter than a sleeping baby that sleeps during the night.  (One day...right??)

***5***

How about those Facebook videos released this week? I really enjoyed watching the minute long reflections of each of my friend's journey as revealed by Facebook.  I cried through mine and teared up through several of my friends.  I think it was touching to see some of my friend's journeys over the last 5 or so years...especially those friends who I knew carried heavy crosses, awesome success, or anything in between.  Looking at all the children grow up over the years and some of us even grew a little older.  Anyways, say what you like about social media and Facebook, but I loved these videos.  I love watching all of your stories as told by your posts.

***6***

Back to the Olympics...I am appalled by the revelation that something like 85% of Russians consider themselves homophobic and there is such strong anti-gay legislation in this country.  It doesn't matter if you feel the gay lifestyle is right or wrong, what sticks out to me is that a country in which many are encouraged to be atheists there is so much hatred going around for one group of people.  Again, it doesn't matter if you agree with some one's lifestyle or not, if you are a person of faith (christian or otherwise) most faiths encourage us to love a person for who they are.  No group of people should be treated with such hatred and dislike.  

***7***

Last thought about the Olympics....what is up with those outfits the Americans are sporting????  Sorry Ralph Lauren....U G L Y!!

GO Team USA!!!!  Take home gold and be safe!!!

7 Quick Takes: NO MORE SNOW!!!!

***1***

No intro today...the title says it all! Snowiest month in Michigan...ever.  Stuck at home with a newborn. Oh and to make matters worse it's been pretty much bitter cold outside.  Except today...today it's 32.  It's like a heat wave.  But tomorrow...6-8 more inches, and by next Wednesday possibly up to 12 inches total.  ENOUGH ALREADY! This is Michigan, not the tundra, to even Minnesota.  We like a little winter, but this is ridiculous!  Rant over....

One positive note...at least it's prettier than the ugly gray and mud colors below it?

***2***

So although I am committed to being a stay at home mom, I also feel the need to get out there and do something.  On New Year's Eve, since we weren't out partying, Tom and I sat down and made our goals for the year.  We looked at many aspects of our lives: spiritual, financial, health, and career.  I started to realize that I really don't want to be a teacher any more.  It was a wonderful 11 years, but I burnt myself out.  Plus, I don't want to return full time, especially while Noah is still little.  I began to think that something I love to do is talk.  (Shocker, right?) But what I mean is God has blessed me with the ability to get in front of large groups of people and talk/sing.  In fact, I get a natural high from it.  I love getting up and encouraging others and sharing my life story.  I've had a few opportunities to do so and seriously want to get more involved, somehow, some way with public speaking.  I am beginning to think it's a new passion of mine.  Or maybe has always been a passion that I haven't explored.  I also am taking a class at the end of the month on doing voice overs and today will be submitting a 30 sec tape to a friend of a friend to possibly record some educational tapes for her company!  I am so excited! I know it's the very beginning, and honestly I don't know exactly how to pursue this dream, but I am excited nonetheless.  So I thought I would tell all of you in case you have any tips, ideas, or what not?  We will see how this all unfolds, but I am hoping new and exciting things are on their way!

***3***

"It's always something..." This phrase has come up in 2 conversations in the past 24 hours.  With kids, it's always something.  Just when you figure out their sleep schedule, they begin to not eat properly.  Just when you clear up that stuffy nose, you find out you both have thrush. (Yeah, true story here at the homestead.) We were saying that's how it is for a mom.  Teething, struggling in school, dating the wrong guy....it's always something.  Us moms become professional worriers when it comes to our kids.  Are they developing properly? Am I spoiling them? Are they eating properly?  It goes on and on....I guess welcome to the adventure.  I hear even when your kids are grown and out of the house it's still "always something."  No wonder my gray hairs have increased greatly in the past year. 

***4***

We are going to Florida next week. (Unless the impending snow storm screws it up...) I can't wait!! Bring on the warm temps and sunshine!!!

***5***

It's like Christmas all over again here!  Our little Noah is in the next size of clothes! Every day I put on a new outfit that he hasn't warn yet.  He is one stylish little guy!  Well loved indeed!  It is kind of sad however saying good bye to some of his first outfits.  It's hard to believe how much he's grown in the 2 months that he has been home.  Last weigh in was 8lbs 2 oz....up from 2 lbs 4 oz at birth!!  He's a heavy weight!

***6***

I read this article today.  "Let Your Husband Love You" I really loved it and it resonated with something I am struggling with lately...most of my life actually.  But let me back up first and tell you about my friend, who happens to be a therapist, who got on my case lately for all the negative talk I have been doing about my body.  All the bad names I have been calling myself.  It got so bad that she makes me text her once a day and tell her something good about my body.  Such as...I am able to provide nourishment for my son, have a strong immunity, a nice smile...so on and so forth.  I cannot tell you what a struggle the first few days were.  I seriously couldn't think of one nice thing to say about my body.  The first day it took me 8 hours to come up with something.  And I thought it was silly at first, and only half serious, but I realized that how I feel about my body and myself impacts all that I do.  And if I have such a negative attitude about it then I treat it negatively....enter weight gain and diet struggles.  So this week I have been sending her a text each day and slowly it's getting easier.  And I've noticed my eating is getting better too.  I am beginning to find some value in my body despite my struggles with it.  Now back to the article...that got me thinking after reading it, it's so important to love yourself so that you can be loved.  If we don't love and respect ourselves, then it's very easy to shut our husbands out.  Who wants to get intimate with a man when you haven't showered in 2 days and your love handles have become rubber tires? I have to remember that my husband loves ME.  Yes, he wants me healthy and happy, but that extra 5 pounds doesn't make him turn his head or run away with disgust.  And as exhausting as being a mother can be...and dirty (like when Noah spit up a ridiculous amount of guck down my cleavage at 6 am this morning...) it's sometimes when we are in the trenches that our husbands find us most appealing.  (Crazy men!!) So I am working on loving me.  I am hoping it continues to make a difference in my health and my marriage.

***7***

It's tulip season again!!  I cannot tell you how happy that makes me! I won a pot of them at a shower last weekend.  They make me smile every day!

Get those shovels ready folks!! 6-8 more inches tomorrow!!

7 Quick Takes:Oh January...

Noah just cried through tummy time so he is enjoying the good life sleeping in his boppy next to mommy on the couch.  Mommy is enjoying a cup of joe and gonna try and get these quick takes in before he awakes....here goes nothing!

***1***

I would like to go on record and say back in the summer when we had this crazy weather I kept saying, "I think it's going to be a bad winter."  Well, so far, I think my prophetic ideas were true.  It's been a snowy, cold winter so far.  In fact, yesterday I went out to Ann Arbor to see a friend for coffee and take Noah to Tom's work to meet everyone.  I checked the weather before I left and it said snow later that night.  Well, half way through my coffee date it started snowing like crazy.  In an effort to look "cute" I had donned my favorite flats for the day.  Well, it kept snowing, snowing, and snowing....I don't know if it's being a mom and driving with your child or I am getting old, but I started to have anxiety BIG time.  I have driven in the snow a million times.  I hate when people flip out because of the snow.  (Hello? It's Michigan...) But I was that person yesterday.  Not only did I have on inappropriate shoes,  not enough gas in my tank, and a cute little passenger in my back seat.  Needless to say, we made it home just fine.  Mom took it slow and steady.  But it's hard when you carry precious cargo.  Makes you think twice about things.


***2***

So, I have told you that our dear son doesn't sleep well.  He also was having some reflux issues, which thankfully we got some medication for.  BUT we also figured out that I cannot drink caffeine because that also causes him to have reflux.  So enter sleep deprived momma, decaf coffee, and well....need I say more? The things we do for our children.



***3***

I am kind of flipping out about how bad the flu is this year! I know half of it is probably media frenzy and thankfully Tom and I both got the flu shot this year and because of my breast milk, Noah has some immunity as well, but I am still freaking out!  I think Noah and I will be a little more careful in our adventures out of the house for a bit.  That's scary stuff!

***4***

This week, after about a month and a half hiatus we finally got our new dish washer!  I cannot tell you how happy I am to not have to be the sole dishwasher in this house! Between Noah's bottles and pumping bottles and such my poor hands were suffering.  (I know...you don't really feel that sorry for me.) But alas, our little dishwasher was installed on Tuesday and this mom is rejoicing!  Today Lowe's is coming to fix our leaky freezer. 

***5***

Ever since Noah has come home and things have settled down I have been thinking a lot about our first son, Jackson.  I look at his picture on the shelf in our living room and think about what he would look like today and what he would be up to.  The fact that we got pregnant so quickly after losing Jackson  and then had a crazy pregnancy with Noah didn't allow me to fully grieve losing our child.  I realize this now.  So Wednesday night I went to my grief support group for parents who have lost an infant.  It was so nice to be with a group of women who are unfortunately bound together by tragedy, but who understand each other completely.  We cried together, laughed together, and complained together.  It is so nice to have this group to reach out to when I have rough days or need to share how I am feeling. 

***6***

In less than 3 weeks we are taking Noah to Florida to visit with my parents.  Can't wait to get out of the cold for a week!  (Trying not to think about the germs on the plane...ugh, didn't think about that.) But those of you who are seasoned veterans with flying with infants/children...what are your tips? What should we bring, not bring, do, not do?  Thankfully it's a direct flight with no stops and we plan to gate check his stroller and check his car seat.  We will also be packing our ErgoBaby so we can strap the little guy in, but any other tips you might have we would greatly appreciate!

***7***

I have, and probably always will be, a procrastinator.  Especially if it comes to something confrontational or unpleasant.  But one of my New Year's resolutions is to be better about that.  To deal with things when they occur so they aren't hanging over me.  It's funny, when I take care of them I feel so much better and could've saved myself a lot of worry and angst, but I still procrastinate making those phone calls or whatever else it is.  I hope to improve. 

Well, happy weekend to you all!!  Thankfully, it's kind of a quiet one here for us!  Enjoy the "warm spell" before the freeze! 

Enjoy it while it lasts...

This morning I was talking to a good friend whose little one has had a stomach bug for the past few days!  She's 3 and has been "clingy and cuddly" because of this.  My friend wasn't all upset about that.  It got me to thinking about a lot of things.  It got me thinking about my little guy.  It got me thinking about that old lady at Target who told me to "appreciate this time for he will grow up fast."  Or my mom who laughed with me when I said I told God I wanted a snuggler for a baby, but didn't realize the ramifications of this. 

You see last week was a bad week for us.  My little guy, as sweet and as cute as he is, well he's not the greatest sleeper and when he does sleep he would much rather sleep in mommy and daddy's arms than anywhere else!  So last week, when the temperatures were only fit for polar bears to be out in and  Tom's commute back and forth to work had at least an extra half hour each way, and our little guy decided to rarely nap, be extra fussy, and fight feedings...well, things became very frustrating for both Noah and me.   Some times I even cried right along with him.  By Thursday night, I was at my tipping point.  Tom got home at 6:30 with dinner (cause there was no way I was cooking), we ate, I pumped milk for what seemed like the 400th time that day (I HATE that machine!) and promptly told my husband at 7:30pm that I was going to bed despite his shock.  We had kind of hit a parenting low. 

Being the parent of a preemie has it's own set of challenges.  Although we survived the NICU, it's not easy being a parent of a preemie (or any baby).  Preemies really run their own path.  Although Noah is almost 4 months old (Can you even believe that?) his adjusted age (counting from his due date) is only 3 weeks old.  So that means for the most part, Noah is doing what one month old babies do.  And one month old babies don't sleep that well.  Especially when weight is not on their side.  So normal sleep deprivation is prolonged in the parents of preemies.  Noah wakes up hungry every couple of hours because his belly can only handle so much.  So regardless if we want to increase his food, he just can't handle it. Nursing has been hit and miss despite my wishes to breast feed and dump the pump, all it was doing was making for a fussier baby! And you know what?  All of that is very, very frustrating!  And you know what?  That frustration was overwhelming my life...it became my focus.

But this weekend, after Tom and I had some much needed time out of the house with Noah, and after we went and bought a Rock N Play, which is supposed to rock for fussy babies with acid reflux (did I mention Noah also has reflux and is thankfully on meds to help?), and I decided to relax about feedings and just let Noah dictate what he needed when and how?  (Maybe we will eventually get to breastfeed exclusively, and maybe we won't. ) But this morning when I was talking to my friend with the sick child, who was looking forward to snuggling with her little one, I began to realize that my little snuggler will only be this little for awhile.  (He is growing like a weed!) Ask any mom of a rambunctious toddler how much they miss those snuggles and I am sure most will attest that they do. 

I realized that I was so focused on the fact that my kid was going to beat the odds of preemies and sleep through the night (or at least 6 hours) sooner than most.  I was so focused on getting him to nurse rather thus being judged for using a bottle (some people do judge you for that...rest assured...they're out there, but most of the judgement is in my head I am sure.) I was focused that I wasn't going to hold my child too much, lest he become a spoiled brat who never wanted to be put down.  And I was bound and determined that he was going to eat more, so he would sleep more.  And I was so focused on all of these frustrating things that all I was was frustrated!  And guess what? So was my son.  Because remember, he's a "3 week old" and you know the only thing 3 week olds care about?  They want their mom (and dad).  They want to feel loved and cared for.  They want to snuggle.  And because I was too focused on these things I forgot to just enjoy this time in my son's life.  I asked God for this boy, this snuggler, and He gifted me with him and all I was acting like was an ungrateful, spoiled brat.

Yes, I know, go easy on myself.  It's not always easy to hold a baby when your dishes are a mile high, you would rather be blogging at that moment, or perhaps it's 2 am and I can hardly keep my eyes open.  But we went through a lot to get this little boy home.  And I need to remember that most kids eventually sleep through the night.  Most kids learn to sleep in their own beds too.  If Noah never nurses, it's ok, because he will always be fed.  So until then, I need to try and enjoy every stage of this sweet boy's life, because as the old lady at Target reminded me...it's gonna go fast.  Soon, he won't slow down long enough to snuggle with his mom.  Soon, I will wake up in a panic when he decides to finally sleep through the night for the first time. Soon, he will need a sippy cup, not a bottle or a boob and those middle of the night feedings will be no longer. 

And it's funny...do you know today Noah took 2 bottles with the increased amount? And this morning slept for 3 straight hours for the first time ever.  He's getting there.  And he will...just not on mom's time table.  So sleep deprivation may live on a bit longer in our home.  Frustrating moments will occur, but it's time I make a concerted effort to enjoy the joy that happens in between.  (Like Noah turning his head back and forth multiple time during tummy time!)  Although it feels like it, there really in no reward for being "Mom of the Year." And like those many blog posts remind us, doing our best as a mom is what our kids need.  And so starting today, I am hoping to slow down and start enjoying being the mom to a really great kid!  And when he wakes me at 2am to eat, I am going to try and be gracious and remember it's only for a little while longer rather than focus on the agony of getting out of that warm bed with poofy eyes and black circles down to my nose, because that's why my son deserves! He's given a lot to be here and he deserves a mom who focuses on what he needs not what she needs.

7 Quick Takes: The NYE edition

Ok, so it's Tuesday and Quick Takes are for Fridays, but Noah is sleeping, I have no motivation to get off the couch today, and I have been wanting to blog for weeks now....so we are going to go with it! Can you believe 2013 is coming to an end in just a few short hours? Wow! What a year it's been! I have written more than enough about the year we have had, and so I won't go there in this post, but let's just say we are looking forward to a calmer, less hospital visits, 2014! Please know of our prayers for you and your family as we approach the New Year!

***1***

Yesterday morning we said good bye to my parents after a 2.5 week visit from them.  I have to admit having house guests for that long, even if you love them dearly, is a challenge for both the hosts and the guests, but we did pretty well! My parents were such a blessing to Tom and I.  My mom took a few 1am feedings allowing Tom and I to catch up on some sleep.  We enjoyed watching Noah bond with his grandparents and make his first Christmas memories! Papa even donned a Santa Claus outfit so that Noah could have his first picture with Santa.  It was a special Christmas indeed. 

I have to say though, I cried like a baby when my parents left this time.  My mom is usually the crier in our family, but this time we both cried.  It's hard having snowbirds for parents.  It's harder now that we have Noah and we miss having Nana and Papa around.  I think you realize just how badly you need your parents when you become a parent yourself. 

 

 

 

***2***

 

Well, I guess I should publicly declare what my New Year's Resolutions are for 2014.  I know most will fail or give up, but I think it's important to have a goal or strive always to be better.  So here's what I am working on.  Getting back to Weight Watchers! I am thankful my good friend is taking the plunge with me so that we can support each other. Tom and I are also looking for a gym to join where we can both work on getting healthier. I also want to continue to work on my cleaning and organizing around these parts.  I am learning how to do that now that we have a new addition to the household that complicates things a bit (I probably should be cleaning now instead of blogging).  I love that our house has come so far and I don't want to let that slip.  Another goal I have is to start listening to Christian music again more regularly.  Kind of under the whole mindset of "garbage in, garbage out."  There is a new Contemporary Christian station in the Detroit area. 106.3 is finally home to KLove.  (Sorry, WMUZ...you suck.)  I have enjoyed listening to the songs and adding a few new songs to my repertoire. 

 

 

***3***

 

Speaking of things that should be on my NY Resolution list...how about my obsession with Diet Coke?  And not just any Diet Coke, but fountain Diet Coke.  Like in ginormous amounts.  I seriously need a 12 step program.  I told my Weight Watcher buddy that I was going to give up pop for a week so I could increase my water intake.  I went out to lunch and drank THREE large Diet Cokes!  I have no will power when it comes to my favorite carbonated drink. 

 

***4***

 

"Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  "I am rubber, you are glue.  Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."   Whoever made up these silly children's rhymes didn't clearly understand the power of words.  In recent months, there have been some comments made to me both on Facebook and in person that have hurt me to the core.  Especially when they come from people you care deeply about.  I have been hurt so much that I have considered getting off Facebook, something that is not a surprise to anyone that I really enjoy.  What is most hurtful, however, is most of these comments are said with an "LOL" attached or in a joking manner.  So as if to say I can't be hurt because the person was just joking.  But even if someone is just joking, or thinks that if you put it a "LOL" with it then it's not a big deal, it IS a BIG deal.  To me at least.  So from my hurt I am really learning to think about what I say and how I say it.  Words hurt.  None of us are rubber.  In fact, sometimes those words leave a bruise bigger than we get from being slapped or hit.  I am sarcastic as all get out and sometimes my "humor" can be misconstrued.  I am working on that though because I never want to hurt people with my words, the way others words have hurt me.  My mom always said, "Once something comes out of your mouth you can never take it back, so choose your words wisely."  It's time for all of us to heed a little of momma's advice.

 

 

***5***

Noah has been home 5

 

weeks now! I can't believe it!  Tom and I are adjusting to parenthood as well as any parents of newborns adjust to parenthood.  There are ups and downs for sure.  I don't think anyone can prepare you for the sleep deprivation you will experience as a parent of a newborn.  We have learned what Noah's different cries mean (for the most part), we are experts now at diaper changes and bath time, and we have learned how to do a lot of things one handed. ;) I have to say though, with confidence, that as rewarding as being a parent is, it is by far the HARDEST undertaking we have ever encountered.  Parenting tests your physical, mental, and emotional strength all at the same time. I really thought with all my experience with babysitting and teaching I was more than prepared for motherhood, but nothing can prepare you.  I don't write this to whine, I write this as an admission.  Like I said, it's all worth it.  When that little crying bundle lays his head on my chest after I pick him up or flashes me a smile (Ok, it might be gas, but I will call it a smile...), or when I watch that sweet thing nap in his swing....I feel like the luckiest lady in the world.  But the multi tasking, late night feedings, and crying spells test me to the fullest if I am being honest.  But the good outweighs the bad and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world....ok...maybe the 4 am feeding.,...:)

 

 

 

 

***6***

 

On the humorous side of motherhood...lessons my son has taught me in 5 short weeks...



 

 

*It doesn't matter how many pacifiers we have...when we need one there isn't one to be found in the nearest arm reach except for the one laying in the middle of the floor dirty with cat hair.

 

*Poop is a big deal.  Especially when our little guy doesn't go for a few diapers.  Poop is brought up in our house at least 3 times daily between Tom and I.

 

*That thing about little boys liking to pee the second their diaper comes off.  100% true.  Pooping is also optional.  The bath tub is also a popular peeing spot.

 

*It doesn't matter if I am holding a burp cloth or not, I will be puked on at least once a day.  Spoiled milk is my new perfume.

 

*The odds of my sleeping child waking increase greatly the second I decide to do the dishes, write a blog, or finally decide to take a shower.

*To all of you moms daily sporting yoga pants, or hell even pajamas...I am sorry I judged you.  I get it now.

 

* Socks on newborns is the biggest joke out there.

 

*Little babies can still make really BIG sounds (and vibrations for that matter)

 

*Second biggest joke...hot coffee.  Not going to happen.

 

*You will make up the stupidest song ever just to attempt to calm your crying baby.  Secondly, half of the kids song you sang as a kid, you forget the words to as an adult.  Improvise, improvise, improvise.  (Though if you looked at Tom's google history, most searches would be lyrics to said songs.)

 

***7***

 

Tonight is New Year's Eve!  Our little family will be celebrating from the comfort of our home.  In fact, I hope to be sleeping as the ball drops because at 3 am someone will be hungry and mama needs her sleep.  So from our house to yours....Happy New Year!! May God's blessings be on you and those you love this year!

 

 



  

Reflections of a Year

Early this morning I was awake with our newborn son, as most mother's of newborns are. I had just finished pumping milk, and as I wrote the time and date, 12/21 at 4:30am, I recalled that exactly a year ago Tom and I received a call from Oakwood Hospital telling us our first child would not survive much longer and that we should get to the NICU as soon as possible.  I thought of our son, Jackson, as I often do and then went over to look at his brother asleep on his Boppy.  I allowed myself to sit and ponder the events that unfolded over the past year.  We have gone from the lowest of the lows, to the highest of the highs and have felt every emotion in between in the meantime.  We have been scared, mad, sad, hopeful, happy, lost, and confused.  This year, however, has changed and defined me in ways I couldn't have imagined. 

I read a quote recently by a man named, Haruki Murakami, it went like this,

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”    

I began to think about how this "storm" has changed me.  What has this past year taught me? How have I evolved as a person?  I have to be honest and say, sadly, this past year has removed my "rose colored glasses" for good.  Bad things happen.  Babies die.  Not all pregnancies end well.  It's sad really.  When someone tells me they are expecting, I am as scared for them as I am happy.  My experiences have tainted me in some ways.  And although the birth of our son Noah has restored a bit of my faith in modern medicine, the memory of Jackson tells me that we were blessed that Noah has survived. 

This past year I have been shown compassion and love that I didn't know existed in the world.  Social media has allowed me to share my grief and journey with many people and those who have reached out to me have restored my hope in humanity.  The love my family has been shown by others and encouraged me to love greater and be that friend to others.  The excitement people have when they finally meet Noah after following his story online touches me more than them.  The number of people praying for and rooting for us is remarkable. 

This past year I've also learned that some people can't be there for me.  Either by choice or by inability, some people I thought or wished would be there for me weren't.  And I have to be honest by saying that in some ways that is what hurt the most this past year.  But as I have grown this past year, I've also grown to accept that that is how it is.  Friendships change and evolve.  Some people have left my life this past year, and some have entered it.  I have to trust that the right people were in my life when I needed them most.  Those who weren't, just weren't.  Maybe it's uncomfortable? Maybe they felt I was too dramatic? Or maybe it was just time for them to make their exit.  Whatever it was, I have come to accept it.  People are who they are and you can't make them be something they aren't. 

This past year my faith in God has been tested.  In so many ways, I am justified in my anger at God.  He took my son after just 4 days.  But the opposite has happened.  My faith in God has been strengthened remarkably.  If anything I have become keenly aware that there is a greater being out there and that we have no control over certain things.  I have also felt God's love at times I didn't feel capable of loving again.  I have walked into church and broke down at just feeling the presence of God. 

This past year has taught me about what is important in life.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  I have developed a severe intolerance for any drama.  I really have zero time for it.  The silliness of junior high behavior and people who "get off" on it has left my radar.  I don't let it excite me or engage me.  I have learned to be upfront and honest with others and let the gossip go and backstabbing stop.  I've learned that there are things that really matter in this world.  Those are the things I choose to focus on and give my energy towards.  And the people in my life who exude drama really don't have a place in my circle anymore.  It's not worth it.  It's exhausting and I have so many other things to focus on. 

Finally, this past year has taught me that the man I married has far exceeded my expectations when it comes to being a husband.  If you know Tom personally, you know that he is the quiet reserved one and I am...well, not.  But the quiet strength I have seen in my husband this past year has touched me to my inner core.  There were times I was literally spinning out of control or crumbling to pieces and he remained calm and composed.  He has held me, picked me up, encouraged me, and loved me in ways I didn't realize he was capable of doing.  Truly I can tell you that he is the one that has held us together.  He is the reason I have survived all that this year has dished out.  He has been my rock.  His strength is shocking to me.  I am so blessed to call him my beloved and father to my boys.  I have learned to not take him for granted or underestimate what he is capable of.  I have learned just how truly blessed I am.

Tomorrow, December 22 (Noah's original due date), Noah will be baptized into the Catholic Church.  He will become a Christian and a saint in training.  Last year on December 22, we were at the same church celebrating a funeral mass for our son Jackson.  We have truly come full circle in a year.  This year has made it's impact.  We are forever changed...for the better.  We look forward to the next year when we can watch our son grow and evolve to the young boy God has called him to be knowing that our little St. Jackson watches over him from above.  We are better parents and people because of this year.  I want to end this with a quote from the Bible that reflects how Tom and I feel about both of our sons. 

Paraphrased from 1 Samuel:

 

"I asked the Lord to give me this boy and He granted my request.  Now I am giving him to the Lord, and he will belong to the Lord his whole life."

7 Quick Takes: Almost 2 Weeks Later....

The Tuesday before Thanksgiving our wildest dreams finally came true and we brought our sweet boy home from the hospital after 65 days in the NICU.  Our world has gone a little topsy turvy (in the best possible way) since then, but we are enjoying every minute of it....(Well, the 3am-5am time slot not so much if I am being honest.)  So after a bit of a hectic morning, my little buddy is asleep on his boppy next to me and I thought I would take a moment to blog.

***1***

In college I decided to stay home after visiting a college for a weekend and realizing that dorm life wasn't for me.  You see I have always been a person who needs sleep.  Early to bed and early to rise is my mantra and dorm life doesn't really support that. When I had to finish a last minute project or paper, after midnight I was toast.  So I would go to bed and wake up at 6 to finish.  That was so much  better than staying up all night for me.  So when I became a mom I was really worried about the lack of sleep thing.  I am a real jerk when I don't get enough sleep.  Well almost 2 weeks later, I am undoubtedly tired, and the middle of the night shifts are definitely a struggle, but I am surviving! In fact, I am doing better than I thought.  We still have to wake Noah every 3 hours for feedings so he continues to gain weight, and I dream of the day he sleeps through the night, but for now, we are doing it! Phew....

***2***

I am happy to report in the 2 weeks that Noah has been home, I have lost 4.4lbs!!  I am pretty proud of myself especially since I am a stress eater to the core.  Maybe that 5lb weight I am lifting all the time is helping me burn calories? ;)  I keep thinking about the next 3 weeks and what my weight loss goal is going to be for over the holidays.  I am very committed to losing weight and don't want to be a statistic when it comes to weight gain during the holidays.  I think my goal is going to be just not to gain anything.  That way I can still indulge and enjoy the holidays, but keep it within reason!  Praying those Christmas cookies don't kill me!

***3***

I love this time of year! Yes, we have a newborn at home, but it was important to me that we had our decorations up and we could be able to join in the celebration!  There are 3 things I love about this time of year. ONE: Christmas cards!  I know it's quickly becoming a lost art, but I love going to the mailbox each year and seeing the different cards from those I love.  I really love seeing photos of my friends kids and hand written notes from those I haven't heard from in awhile.  I love Christmas cards and am picking up ours tonight! Can't wait to send them out! TWO: Christmas Cookies! :) I am not the biggest sweet eater, but I love cookies! I especially love them at Christmas time.  My friend, Adrienne, always makes her shortbread this time of year and I cannot wait for it's arrival.  The problem with Christmas cookies is just that...I like them too much.  I can pop them in my mouth like they are nothing.  Hmmm, this year's challenge for sure.  THREE: I am one of those weird people who actually love to wrap gifts! I love embellishing them with fun ribbons and bows.  Each year I pick matching wrapping paper.  This year I am wrapping in butcher paper and stamping names in place of tags.  I love seeing all the presents under the tree. 

***4***

Noah is getting baptized on 12/22! We are so excited about this! The craziest thing is that is actually his due date.  It's crazy to think that he's still not even supposed to be here and yet here he sits with me.  This is his coming out party, since other than doctor's appointments Noah doesn't leave the house much.  We cannot wait to celebrate with our church family and our friends and family.  We also cannot wait to give our son to the Lord in Baptism.  We are having everyone back to our home afterwards. What a great celebration after the last year!  Another little saint in training will soon be in our home!

***5***

I have an admission to make.  I have a sick obsession to Target!  Cartwheel, coupons, and my RedCard which gives me 5% off each time and well, I am an addict.  It's become almost a game for me.  I cannot stand to buy almost anything now unless I get some sort of deal.  The great thing is you can combine all of the above to make major savings!  It makes buying things like paper plates and baggies almost fun to buy! Yes, it may lead to buying things I don't necessarily NEED sometimes, but I figure with all the money I am saving on those daily products that it's surely a wash at the end of the day, right?  Anyways, I think Target has hit it on the bulls eye in our home!

***6***

My mom and dad will be here in under 2 weeks!  I cannot wait for my dad to meet Noah finally and for the memories we will all have as a family.  Noah cannot wait for snuggles with Nana.  It's going to be a very special Christmas for us for sure!  Noah is surely a blessed little boy surrounded by a loving family.

***7***

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...so here goes nothing....