Reflections on 2012

Well, here we are...December 31st, New Year's Eve, the year is 2012 for a just a few more hours. 

Today I found myself reflecting a lot on this past year.  It started off with a bang...Tom and I were engaged and the wedding planning was in full swing. Photographers, dresses, tuxes, flowers...the whole bit.  We were immersed in all things wedding.

In March, after a lot of debate and prayer, I made the decision that after 10.5 years of teaching I would be leaving at the end of the year to be a full time wife and hopefully, one day soon, a mother.  It was time....I didn't love it like I used to, and I had always promised myself that once I stopped loving it I would bow out gracefully.  And so bow I did....it was the right decision for our family.  I miss the kids and the families, but I don't miss the papers, the BS, and bringing work home with me every night and weekend.

Finally, on July 14 at 2pm in the afternoon, I married my best friend.  It was a beautiful wedding (if I do say so myself)  For Tom and I it was worth every bit of blood, sweat, and tears (money too...) that went into making it "our day."  Other than a warm ride to the church in the limo, the day went on without a hitch.  We filled ourselves with delicious polish foods and danced the night away, and at the end of the night crawled into our bed at the Dearborn Inn with a smile on our faces, knowing that our dream of becoming husband and wife had finally come true and a new life for us had just begun.

 

We honeymooned in a small, rustic cabin in Traverse City, and enjoyed the city and also the quiet of being up north.  We explored both the Leelenau and Old Mission Peninsulas and fell in love with the area.  We, of course, also toured the local wineries and came home about 15 bottles of wine richer.

Upon returning home,  we resumed our DIY that we had started earlier that summer on our home.  We enjoyed making "Tom's home"..."Our Home."  It's a lot of work combing two homes, especially when you are both in your 30's and have been living independently, with some slight pack rat tendencies on both ends, for awhile.  Very quickly, however, I began to notice some considerable fatigue coming over me and unusual heartburn too.  My suspicions would soon be confirmed by a little blue stick reading, "pregnant."  Yes, honeymoon babies apparently still exist in the year 2012.

After the initial shock of getting pregnant so quickly, Tom and I were overjoyed!  We were going to be parents!  Other than being really, really tired often.  I had a great first trimester!  I never puked even once! :)  I was beginning to show and we were overjoyed to head to the doctor on November 16 to find out if were were having a little girl or boy.  Cecilia Rose or Jackson Edward, what would it be?  Well, our little boy had no issue with giving us a full shot of his manlihood.  I had suspected a girl all along, but fell in love immediately with the idea of having a little boy of our own.  Papa Kirk was going to be so excited that little baby Bauer was indeed going to be the next "Jack Bauer."

It's funny how the best moment of your life can suddenly come to a crashing halt.   It was at this appointment that the doctors also discovered that I had a really short cervix.  We were given the grim statistics, scared to death, and sent home on bed rest and some medications to hopefully help my cervix not get any shorter.  Two weeks later, we went back and the news was worse.  My cervix had shortened and things were not looking good.

My mom flew up from Florida to help Tom and I out, since I was now on full bed rest and could only get up to use the restroom and shower once a day.  I was willing to do anything I could to keep that little boy cooking for as long as possible.  We celebrated every day...every week that he did, but on Friday, December 14, I woke to mild contractions, that landed me at Oakwood Hospital.  The doctors stopped the contractions for a few days, but on December 17th at 3:50am, Jackson Edward Bauer was born at 23 weeks old, weighing 1lb 3 oz and measuring 29 cm long.  We knew at that point we only had a very small chance that he would survive for even a few hours, but we hoped and prayed, along with hundreds of others all around the world.  For 4 days our little guy fought for his life in the NICU and on December 21st at 6 am, the Lord decided enough was and enough and brought him home to Himself.  He fell asleep in my arms with his dad and grandparents around. 

(Jackson holding my finger on December 18)

 

Two weeks later I am still in shock.  The dreams we had for our baby boy have been taken from us.  We won't be celebrating our son's first birthday, taking him to sit on Santa's lap, or teaching him how to throw a ball.  For some reason, unknown to us, the Lord, in His mercy I believe, took Jackson to be with Him.  Knowing, that our son is in heaven, in the arms of the Blessed Mother, in some ways gives me a peace to deal with this devastation, and yet there are moments I would do ANYTHING to feel him in my womb or hold him just one more time.  Our faith has been tested to the extreme, and yet we know we have a little angel in heaven who is praying for his mom and dad all the time now.  But gosh, I just wish I understood why....

So it is with this that 2012 ends on a much different note than it began.  Although, I am grieving the loss of our son, and will continue to do so I am sure for many months and even years to come, I would be selfish to not recognize all the blessings of this past year.  I have been blessed with the most amazing husband out there who is my rock.  The strength and support he showed for both Jackson and I will never be forgotten.  For 24 weeks, I was blessed to have the joy of knowing what it meant to be a mother.  And I have been surrounded my the love and prayers of so many friends and family that indeed, my cup overflows. 


Tomorrow will be 2013, and although these days just getting out of bed makes it a successful day, I am sure there will be many blessings to come in the following year.  We pray that with the knowledge my doctor's now have about my body that I will one day be able to have a successful pregnancy and will have a brother or sister for our little Jackson to pray for and watch from heaven.  Tom and I will continue to grow as husband and wife and trust in our Lord and Savior.  We will also continue to pray for God's blessings on all of you and yours. 

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
~author unknown