Normalcy

Today is Wednesday, (I thought it was Thursday until about 20 minutes ago) January 2nd.  For most of the world, today everything returns back to normal (unless you are one of the lucky ones, like most of my teacher friends, who have a few more days of vacation left...but your normal too, soon, will return.)  After the hustle and bustle of the holidays, life returns to it's normal pace.  Christmas decorations come down (Sorry to my "good" Catholic friends...our tree will not be making it to the Epiphany), grocery lists must be made, and our tightening belt lines must be dealt with.  Back to the old grind...

Today, my husband returned to work full time after being home/at the hospital with me for over 2 weeks, my parents flew back home over the weekend after being here for over a month with me helping out in countless ways, and for the first time in over a month I am on my own.  And for the first time in forever, I am not sure what normal is for me anymore?  Very abruptly, I have lost any focus I have for my life.  Yes, like many of you I want to get back to Weight Watchers and the gym, there is much to be done here at our home, and God knows I could work on my prayer life and spirituality,  but the events of the last few months have forever changed me.  I am a different person and I am not sure what my normal is.  There is not a wedding to plan, there is no baby to prepare for, and being that I am no longer teaching, there is no job to return to.

Now before you start feeling bad for me, (you can if you want to for a little bit...I feel sorry for myself in many ways throughout the day too....) the circumstances of this new stage of my life suck, yes, but as weird as it sounds, it's a time for me to define (with God's leading) what this means for me.   In some ways I am stronger and braver than before.  My faith has been tested in ways I only imagined possible, and I can tell you I am clinging to our Lord and His Mother in a way that I hadn't before.  I have bags under my eyes and I am sure a few new gray hairs.  I am shaken to my core and learning how to lean on others for support (and not ripping their heads off in the meantime ;).  But somewhere beneath the hurt and devastation, I am certain there is a new woman inside who will one day dust herself off, get out of her pj's, throw on some make up, and face this world again.  And when that happens (in due time I suppose...) my friends who have faced this type of grief tell me I will be different.  There are activities, thoughts, and even people that will not be apart of my life anymore.  You see, grief is a strange thing, it hurts like hell and you do cry, but it also puts a lot of things into perspective.  With all the sadness and pain you feel, it makes you want to surround yourself with people and things that make you happy.  Excuse my french, but the "bullshit" of life doesn't really matter anymore.  You learn that every day, every minute counts, and I won't be wasting it on one thing that doesn't bring me closer to the Lord, my husband and family, and happiness.

So today, my normal is surviving.  I've done the dishes, 2 loads of laundry, and picked up around the house.  I haven't made it to the shower yet or off the couch for very long, but I accept that today this is where I am at.  Tomorrow is tomorrow.  I can only hope that it's a little better than today.  I am certain that eventually a new normal will form for me and I am trusting God that I will somehow come out on the other side of this stronger, braver, and hopefully a more loving, God-fearing woman.