Early this morning I was awake with our newborn son, as most mother's of newborns are. I had just finished pumping milk, and as I wrote the time and date, 12/21 at 4:30am, I recalled that exactly a year ago Tom and I received a call from Oakwood Hospital telling us our first child would not survive much longer and that we should get to the NICU as soon as possible. I thought of our son, Jackson, as I often do and then went over to look at his brother asleep on his Boppy. I allowed myself to sit and ponder the events that unfolded over the past year. We have gone from the lowest of the lows, to the highest of the highs and have felt every emotion in between in the meantime. We have been scared, mad, sad, hopeful, happy, lost, and confused. This year, however, has changed and defined me in ways I couldn't have imagined.
I read a quote recently by a man named, Haruki Murakami, it went like this,
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
This past year I have been shown compassion and love that I didn't know existed in the world. Social media has allowed me to share my grief and journey with many people and those who have reached out to me have restored my hope in humanity. The love my family has been shown by others and encouraged me to love greater and be that friend to others. The excitement people have when they finally meet Noah after following his story online touches me more than them. The number of people praying for and rooting for us is remarkable.
This past year I've also learned that some people can't be there for me. Either by choice or by inability, some people I thought or wished would be there for me weren't. And I have to be honest by saying that in some ways that is what hurt the most this past year. But as I have grown this past year, I've also grown to accept that that is how it is. Friendships change and evolve. Some people have left my life this past year, and some have entered it. I have to trust that the right people were in my life when I needed them most. Those who weren't, just weren't. Maybe it's uncomfortable? Maybe they felt I was too dramatic? Or maybe it was just time for them to make their exit. Whatever it was, I have come to accept it. People are who they are and you can't make them be something they aren't.
This past year my faith in God has been tested. In so many ways, I am justified in my anger at God. He took my son after just 4 days. But the opposite has happened. My faith in God has been strengthened remarkably. If anything I have become keenly aware that there is a greater being out there and that we have no control over certain things. I have also felt God's love at times I didn't feel capable of loving again. I have walked into church and broke down at just feeling the presence of God.
This past year has taught me about what is important in life. Don't sweat the small stuff. I have developed a severe intolerance for any drama. I really have zero time for it. The silliness of junior high behavior and people who "get off" on it has left my radar. I don't let it excite me or engage me. I have learned to be upfront and honest with others and let the gossip go and backstabbing stop. I've learned that there are things that really matter in this world. Those are the things I choose to focus on and give my energy towards. And the people in my life who exude drama really don't have a place in my circle anymore. It's not worth it. It's exhausting and I have so many other things to focus on.
Finally, this past year has taught me that the man I married has far exceeded my expectations when it comes to being a husband. If you know Tom personally, you know that he is the quiet reserved one and I am...well, not. But the quiet strength I have seen in my husband this past year has touched me to my inner core. There were times I was literally spinning out of control or crumbling to pieces and he remained calm and composed. He has held me, picked me up, encouraged me, and loved me in ways I didn't realize he was capable of doing. Truly I can tell you that he is the one that has held us together. He is the reason I have survived all that this year has dished out. He has been my rock. His strength is shocking to me. I am so blessed to call him my beloved and father to my boys. I have learned to not take him for granted or underestimate what he is capable of. I have learned just how truly blessed I am.
Tomorrow, December 22 (Noah's original due date), Noah will be baptized into the Catholic Church. He will become a Christian and a saint in training. Last year on December 22, we were at the same church celebrating a funeral mass for our son Jackson. We have truly come full circle in a year. This year has made it's impact. We are forever changed...for the better. We look forward to the next year when we can watch our son grow and evolve to the young boy God has called him to be knowing that our little St. Jackson watches over him from above. We are better parents and people because of this year. I want to end this with a quote from the Bible that reflects how Tom and I feel about both of our sons.
Paraphrased from 1 Samuel:
"I asked the Lord to give me this boy and He granted my request. Now I am giving him to the Lord, and he will belong to the Lord his whole life."
Beautiful entry!
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