Imperfect Love

 

I've been thinking a lot about my two boys lately.  Although only 15 months apart, they are so very different already.  Noah, my older son, is joy personified truly.  He loves life and almost always has a smile on his face.  He is vivacious and loud!  He's also, however, cautious and not a huge risk taker.  He likes to take situations in before he engages and does things when he is good and ready despite our desires to rush him.  He is methodical and very observant...especially when it comes to letters and trains.  Jonah, although we are just learning a lot about him is our more pensive child.  He's a thinker.  Even more observant than his brother, he loves to watch cars drive by and see what his big brother is doing.  Jonah is sensitive and a mama's boy.  Noah could care less about food most days, Jonah already hunts us down if he sees or smells something.  Noah hates to go to bed, but then sleeps great.  Jonah is ready for bed early like his mom, but is up on and off all night. 

The thing is I love both these boys very much, and yet very differently.  Noah needs me to encourage him in many things, hold his hand when he's unsure, and celebrate life with him.  Jonah needs me to be patient, give him lots of snuggles, and be sensitive with him when he needs it.  It's not always easy to be the mom they need when they are throwing food on the floor, crying for the third time that night, or not sharing nicely.  I'm easily frustrated by their little habits that make my life just a little bit more difficult.

None of this is new to any mother out there, but what I started to think about was that despite their differences, difficulties, and temperaments I still love them unconditionally.  In fact, I can't imagine loving anyone as much as I do these two handsome boys.  And that got me thinking about God and how He loves each one of us just the way we are.  All of us flawed, all of us difficult, each of our temperaments and quirks.  He loves us.  And not only does He love us, He loves us just as we are.  Just the way we need to be loved and where we are at in our lives.

This, too, is not a revelation. But finally my thoughts came to me, and how I love myself.  I love my boys, unique as they are, unconditionally.  I won't love Noah more if he eats everything I put on his plate.  (Though that would be nice.)  My love for Jonah won't grow if he FINALLY sleeps through the night.  I can look at my husband and see beyond his flaws and nuances, and love him, and YET I seem to struggle doing the same for myself. 

There is a verse in the Bible that I would imagine all of us have heard; "Love your neighbor, as you love yourself."  We are really good about working on loving our neighbor, but we seem to skip over that second part....or at least I always did.  We have to love our neighbor AS WE LOVE OURSELVES.  I don't know about all of you, but I'm actually a lot better at loving my neighbor than I am at loving myself. 

I'm fat. My house is a mess more often than it's not.  My feet need a pedicure and my face needs a good wax.  Sometimes I choose to nap instead of doing the dishes.  I'm impatient at times and I can swear like a truck driver.  My prayer life sucks and I'm pretty much a subpar mother. Not to mention I'm JUST a stay at home mom. 

These are things I would say to myself over and over again.  The self talk going on in my mind wasn't kind.  It wasn't pleasant.  It wasn't love. The truth of the matter is I can love my family, friends, neighbors, but I wasn't real good at loving myself.  There were too many conditions, too many flaws. I worried about what others would think about me and felt judged by comments in life and on Facebook.  I was so busy beating myself up that I was certain that others were beating me up too. 

Then one day I happened to pick up the book  "The Gifts of Imperfection; Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brene Brown.  Her book on living a Whole Hearted Life was the stepping stone to changing me and helping me to learn to love myself....flaws and all.  It's an ongoing process, one that requires faith, forgiveness, and acceptance, but I can wake up each day and like myself a little bit more.  Yes, I'd like to lose weight and be healthier, but that doesn't mean I can't love the fat Erin too.  I'd love my house to be cleaner, but I can love and accept the fact that despite my best efforts, it's probably never going to be spic and span.  Slowly, but surely, I am learning to love me for me.  Learning to love me for the things I do well and quite frankly for the things I don't do well.  Because I love my neighbor that way and God calls me to love myself that way. 

So I challenge each of you who may have happened to stumble on this blog today.  Take a minute to love your self today.  All of you.  Each imperfection, each love handle, and each lovely thing that makes you, YOU.  Although many are challenged to love their neighbor as themselves, I think it's important that we turn that around sometimes and question ourselves, "Do we love ourselves as we love our neighbor?"