Footsy

I have a good life.  I really do.  It would be easy for me right now to focus on the negative, be mad at God for taking my son, and forgetting all that He has blessed me with, but I choose not to.  I choose to try (sometimes unsuccessfully) to remember all that I am blessed with.  Tom and I will often talk about what was good in our day.  So, last night as we got in bed I asked Tom what the best part of his day was.  (He usually uses this moment to butter up to me and say something sweet like "when you kissed me" or something else ridiculously sappy....smart man, right?)  But last night I was thinking about the best part of my day.  And for that my friends, I must take you into our bedroom.  (No worries, this blog continues to remain PG.)

 My bedroom is never this clean....;)

I love when Tom and I finally crawl into bed each night.  These days I am usually freezing so I waste no time snuggling up to my hot box of a husband.  We usually laugh as I wrap my arms around him, place my freezing hands on his chest to warm up, and watch as he flops around at the shock of just how cold my hands are!  We often lay there for as little as a few minutes to as much as an hour and talk.  Sometimes the talk is serious, but most often the conversation is light and we laugh at the events of the day. Occasionally, my dear hubby even falls asleep as I am talking his ear off (proof of a hard working man...)  but eventually, it's time to sleep.  (This is the GOOD part.)  We have a final smooch, say our good nights, and turn on our separate sides.  BUT somehow, each night, our feet find each other under the sheets.  It's like magnets pull them together and our nightly footsy session begins.  We don't say anything and pretty quickly we both drift off to sleep, but it's like we can't stand to be apart from each other all night (and yet spooners we are not usually) and so we must be connected somewhere (even if it is our stinky feet.)  I love it!  It brings a little smile to my face and peace in my heart each night. 

 

It's good to be in love.  The chances of divorce for any couple are 50/50.  Those chances go up quite a bit (I've read as much as 60%) for a couple who lost a child. So needless to say, we have some pretty big odds stacked against us. Tom and I, however, have made a commitment to not be a statistic.  We are committed to making our marriage work and surviving this blow.  And although I recognize that it takes a lot more than some nightly footsy to do that, it gives me peace each night to know that regardless of what our day has been,  we are still in this together.  That somehow at the end of the day my husband and I will come together, regroup, catch some z's and try again tomorrow. 

 

 

 

 

For Better or Worse....

Six months ago, somewhere around 2:30 in the afternoon, my husband and I made some very special vows to each other.  You all know the words..."for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer...til death do us part."  Today, as I was reflecting on six months of marriage (I know, that's like a blink for those of you who have been on the marriage train for years now...but nonetheless...) I was thinking about those words we vowed to each other and it got me thinking that we've learned a lot in just a few mere months.

...for better or worse...

Many would argue that we are still in the honeymoon of our marriage, and I am sure that's true, but I have to be honest..I love being married.  I can't help but smile most days when Tom pulls in the driveway at the end of a long day work and kisses me as he asks, "What's for dinner?"  Dinner, another thing I love.  I love to cook for my husband and try out new recipes.  Yes, some nights that means carry out, but most nights I cook for us and I love it.  I love sleeping next to my dear husband who snores sometimes and steals the blankets too, but there is nothing better than reaching over at 3 am and knowing that he's there.  I love just being with him.  If it's watching seasons of The West Wing on Netflix or going for a walk, we truly enjoy being together.  In fact, it's amazing how much I enjoy just being home with my hubby.  This is saying a lot for a girl who normally was never to be home.  My husband has taught me how to relax, (a common phrase he uses when in my presence) slow down, and enjoy the little things.  I'd like to think that I have taught him how to laugh a little more and put himself out there.  I think we've created a nice balance.  Life for us both has gotten better for sure with marriage.

But alas, these past 6 months haven't been all smiles and sunshine.  If you want to be made keenly aware of your faults...get married. ;)  Not because my husband points them out to me, but because being a wife is work.  (a husband too...)  Moving in together, especially in your 30's after being independent for a long time, is a challenge.  Honey-do lists, dirty socks on the side of the bed, dirty dishes, bills, phone calls, chores...all of them are adjustments for both husband and wife.  There have been a few nights on the couch for us, there have been some angry departures as we walk out the door, and there have been some not so nice words exchanged (mostly by this potty mouth...:/) We've learned how to fight (and luckily how to make up ;)  We have both worked on things that annoy the other, although we are definitely a work in progress. We are trying and because of that becoming better spouses in the end.  Isn't that all that really matters?

...in sickness and in health...

Tom and I were just laughing the other day about being nurse versus being a patient.  I came to this conclusion; He is a much better nurse and I am a much better patient.  Truly.  My husband is a saint.  He is so good about being there for me when I am sick.  Especially when I was on bed rest for 6 weeks.  He never (well hardly ever...) complained about getting me medicine, water, or whatever else I needed at that moment.  He has been to our local Walgreen's at 3am and has taken time off of work on numerous occasions to take me to the doctor.  He just does what needs to be done and doesn't complain or act put out of place because of it.  When he is sick however....well let's just say, and all the ladies out there will agree with me, he's a man.  He's a man, and like most men, he can't help it if the sniffles seem like the end of the world (at least for me, the one taking care of him they do...enter not so good nurse...) and he's certain he has Mersa, pneumonia, and a 104 degree fever. Although I love my husband dearly, I am not nearly as doting or patient as he is in this situation.  I am not proud of it, but after reminding my dear, sweet husband to take his medicine AGAIN for the 300th time, I just lose it!  I suppose I should work on this....I am a good patient most days though I swear!

...for richer or poorer...

Just like most couples combining money is always a little bit tricky in the beginning.  We've stumbled through the bills, looked at the budgets, decided who was the payer of the bills (that's me,  just in case you are wondering...) and who is the maker of the money (that's my hubby).  I am blessed to be a homemaker, and although I don't bring in an extra income for our family, it works for us.  We are by no means the richest folk in town. No extravagant vacations, our clothes usually were bought on sale or with a coupon, and certain purchases have to wait a few months.  But, to be perfectly honest, I don't ever notice us going without.  There is food in our cupboards (have I ever told you about my ridiculous amount of canned goods I have at all times?) heat in our house, and we even get to go out to eat a couple times a week.  We love our season tickets to the Dearborn Players Guild, our pass to the Henry Ford, and taking little trips here and there around the great state of Michigan.  For 2013 we are working hard to cut costs and pay off debts, so we can be even more financially free.  My husband is working hard each day to provide for his family and I could not be more proud of his work ethics and dedication.  I am learning to curb my Target purchases (though the tempting 5% off each time using our Red Card trips me up from time to time...) and learning the joy that comes from cutting out my coupons each week and checking my iPhone before I shop at a store for online coupons.  We try to eat up our leftovers instead of running up to the local fast food joints.  We do what we can so we can enjoy our life and not worry about money so much.

But in the end, we are more rich than poor.  Mostly because, despite what our bank account may or may not say, we have each other.  And not only do we have each other, we also have so many wonderful family and friends.  With the tragedy of losing our son prematurely, it's caused me to really evaluate our life and happiness.  Life is hard...even when you are married, but at the end of the day if you have each other and the love of friends and family, you will survive.  There will be sickness, sorrow, and fights.  Some days will be bad and you might even go to bed angry from time to time.  But you will get up the next day and remember why you married that handsome man in the first place.

So 6 months might not be all the impressive, my aunt and uncle have been married for 24 years today (that's impressive), we've had some battles to fight, sadness to endure, and making up to do.  But when I woke up this morning, my husband took me in his arms and told me he loved me.  And that folks tells me that we are going to make it...We meant those vows when we repeated them to each other on that hot July afternoon, and we make them still. 

Til death do us part....

I love you. honey. :)

Christmas Angel

Tom and I received the following in the mail this weekend.  We pray it touches you as much as it did the both of us.  Please know of that sweet angel's prayers for all of us....

 

 

 

Christmas Angel

 by: Tom Deschaine

 

    Christ was born on Christmas, and I but just before…

    So that I could share his birthday and his coming to adore…

    He called me to his table and said to me rejoice…

    For soon you will be with me, so that all can hear your voice…

 

    He let me celebrate with Him, He came to save mankind…

    And welcomed me with loving arms, my soul to be enshrined…

    He called me to His bosom, and took me in His arms…

    So I could help in heaven, and share with you God’s charms…

 

    I know I left you early, and for that I do regret…

    But I was needed elsewhere, so please don’t be upset…

    I now am serving God on high, for that I do rejoice…

    It was God’s decision, and was not at all my choice…

 

    To mom and dad and gram and gramps, I love you all so much…

    Thanks for love and caring, and for your tender touch…

    I’m sorry I could not stay longer, but I was needed on high…

    To help the Lord with other souls, so I must say goodbye…

 

    I’m now in charge of infant souls, like me, all called too soon…

    I’m an angel of the Lord, and in God’s love we all commune …

    Even though I was an infant, with a body ever so small…

    In a place for all timelessness, I dwell and bring peace to all…

 

    Jackson is my name, please shed no tears for me…

    For I have a harp, a halo and wings, for all eternity…

    I’ll live with the corps of angels as a custodian of souls…

    And I daily walk with God, through the heavenly knolls…

 

    As you have loved me, love God           

Normalcy

Today is Wednesday, (I thought it was Thursday until about 20 minutes ago) January 2nd.  For most of the world, today everything returns back to normal (unless you are one of the lucky ones, like most of my teacher friends, who have a few more days of vacation left...but your normal too, soon, will return.)  After the hustle and bustle of the holidays, life returns to it's normal pace.  Christmas decorations come down (Sorry to my "good" Catholic friends...our tree will not be making it to the Epiphany), grocery lists must be made, and our tightening belt lines must be dealt with.  Back to the old grind...

Today, my husband returned to work full time after being home/at the hospital with me for over 2 weeks, my parents flew back home over the weekend after being here for over a month with me helping out in countless ways, and for the first time in over a month I am on my own.  And for the first time in forever, I am not sure what normal is for me anymore?  Very abruptly, I have lost any focus I have for my life.  Yes, like many of you I want to get back to Weight Watchers and the gym, there is much to be done here at our home, and God knows I could work on my prayer life and spirituality,  but the events of the last few months have forever changed me.  I am a different person and I am not sure what my normal is.  There is not a wedding to plan, there is no baby to prepare for, and being that I am no longer teaching, there is no job to return to.

Now before you start feeling bad for me, (you can if you want to for a little bit...I feel sorry for myself in many ways throughout the day too....) the circumstances of this new stage of my life suck, yes, but as weird as it sounds, it's a time for me to define (with God's leading) what this means for me.   In some ways I am stronger and braver than before.  My faith has been tested in ways I only imagined possible, and I can tell you I am clinging to our Lord and His Mother in a way that I hadn't before.  I have bags under my eyes and I am sure a few new gray hairs.  I am shaken to my core and learning how to lean on others for support (and not ripping their heads off in the meantime ;).  But somewhere beneath the hurt and devastation, I am certain there is a new woman inside who will one day dust herself off, get out of her pj's, throw on some make up, and face this world again.  And when that happens (in due time I suppose...) my friends who have faced this type of grief tell me I will be different.  There are activities, thoughts, and even people that will not be apart of my life anymore.  You see, grief is a strange thing, it hurts like hell and you do cry, but it also puts a lot of things into perspective.  With all the sadness and pain you feel, it makes you want to surround yourself with people and things that make you happy.  Excuse my french, but the "bullshit" of life doesn't really matter anymore.  You learn that every day, every minute counts, and I won't be wasting it on one thing that doesn't bring me closer to the Lord, my husband and family, and happiness.

So today, my normal is surviving.  I've done the dishes, 2 loads of laundry, and picked up around the house.  I haven't made it to the shower yet or off the couch for very long, but I accept that today this is where I am at.  Tomorrow is tomorrow.  I can only hope that it's a little better than today.  I am certain that eventually a new normal will form for me and I am trusting God that I will somehow come out on the other side of this stronger, braver, and hopefully a more loving, God-fearing woman.

Reflections on 2012

Well, here we are...December 31st, New Year's Eve, the year is 2012 for a just a few more hours. 

Today I found myself reflecting a lot on this past year.  It started off with a bang...Tom and I were engaged and the wedding planning was in full swing. Photographers, dresses, tuxes, flowers...the whole bit.  We were immersed in all things wedding.

In March, after a lot of debate and prayer, I made the decision that after 10.5 years of teaching I would be leaving at the end of the year to be a full time wife and hopefully, one day soon, a mother.  It was time....I didn't love it like I used to, and I had always promised myself that once I stopped loving it I would bow out gracefully.  And so bow I did....it was the right decision for our family.  I miss the kids and the families, but I don't miss the papers, the BS, and bringing work home with me every night and weekend.

Finally, on July 14 at 2pm in the afternoon, I married my best friend.  It was a beautiful wedding (if I do say so myself)  For Tom and I it was worth every bit of blood, sweat, and tears (money too...) that went into making it "our day."  Other than a warm ride to the church in the limo, the day went on without a hitch.  We filled ourselves with delicious polish foods and danced the night away, and at the end of the night crawled into our bed at the Dearborn Inn with a smile on our faces, knowing that our dream of becoming husband and wife had finally come true and a new life for us had just begun.

 

We honeymooned in a small, rustic cabin in Traverse City, and enjoyed the city and also the quiet of being up north.  We explored both the Leelenau and Old Mission Peninsulas and fell in love with the area.  We, of course, also toured the local wineries and came home about 15 bottles of wine richer.

Upon returning home,  we resumed our DIY that we had started earlier that summer on our home.  We enjoyed making "Tom's home"..."Our Home."  It's a lot of work combing two homes, especially when you are both in your 30's and have been living independently, with some slight pack rat tendencies on both ends, for awhile.  Very quickly, however, I began to notice some considerable fatigue coming over me and unusual heartburn too.  My suspicions would soon be confirmed by a little blue stick reading, "pregnant."  Yes, honeymoon babies apparently still exist in the year 2012.

After the initial shock of getting pregnant so quickly, Tom and I were overjoyed!  We were going to be parents!  Other than being really, really tired often.  I had a great first trimester!  I never puked even once! :)  I was beginning to show and we were overjoyed to head to the doctor on November 16 to find out if were were having a little girl or boy.  Cecilia Rose or Jackson Edward, what would it be?  Well, our little boy had no issue with giving us a full shot of his manlihood.  I had suspected a girl all along, but fell in love immediately with the idea of having a little boy of our own.  Papa Kirk was going to be so excited that little baby Bauer was indeed going to be the next "Jack Bauer."

It's funny how the best moment of your life can suddenly come to a crashing halt.   It was at this appointment that the doctors also discovered that I had a really short cervix.  We were given the grim statistics, scared to death, and sent home on bed rest and some medications to hopefully help my cervix not get any shorter.  Two weeks later, we went back and the news was worse.  My cervix had shortened and things were not looking good.

My mom flew up from Florida to help Tom and I out, since I was now on full bed rest and could only get up to use the restroom and shower once a day.  I was willing to do anything I could to keep that little boy cooking for as long as possible.  We celebrated every day...every week that he did, but on Friday, December 14, I woke to mild contractions, that landed me at Oakwood Hospital.  The doctors stopped the contractions for a few days, but on December 17th at 3:50am, Jackson Edward Bauer was born at 23 weeks old, weighing 1lb 3 oz and measuring 29 cm long.  We knew at that point we only had a very small chance that he would survive for even a few hours, but we hoped and prayed, along with hundreds of others all around the world.  For 4 days our little guy fought for his life in the NICU and on December 21st at 6 am, the Lord decided enough was and enough and brought him home to Himself.  He fell asleep in my arms with his dad and grandparents around. 

(Jackson holding my finger on December 18)

 

Two weeks later I am still in shock.  The dreams we had for our baby boy have been taken from us.  We won't be celebrating our son's first birthday, taking him to sit on Santa's lap, or teaching him how to throw a ball.  For some reason, unknown to us, the Lord, in His mercy I believe, took Jackson to be with Him.  Knowing, that our son is in heaven, in the arms of the Blessed Mother, in some ways gives me a peace to deal with this devastation, and yet there are moments I would do ANYTHING to feel him in my womb or hold him just one more time.  Our faith has been tested to the extreme, and yet we know we have a little angel in heaven who is praying for his mom and dad all the time now.  But gosh, I just wish I understood why....

So it is with this that 2012 ends on a much different note than it began.  Although, I am grieving the loss of our son, and will continue to do so I am sure for many months and even years to come, I would be selfish to not recognize all the blessings of this past year.  I have been blessed with the most amazing husband out there who is my rock.  The strength and support he showed for both Jackson and I will never be forgotten.  For 24 weeks, I was blessed to have the joy of knowing what it meant to be a mother.  And I have been surrounded my the love and prayers of so many friends and family that indeed, my cup overflows. 


Tomorrow will be 2013, and although these days just getting out of bed makes it a successful day, I am sure there will be many blessings to come in the following year.  We pray that with the knowledge my doctor's now have about my body that I will one day be able to have a successful pregnancy and will have a brother or sister for our little Jackson to pray for and watch from heaven.  Tom and I will continue to grow as husband and wife and trust in our Lord and Savior.  We will also continue to pray for God's blessings on all of you and yours. 

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
~author unknown

I'm Back!!!

About 2 years ago I started a blog as I embarked on my journey to embrace my single life!  I fell in love with blogging and enjoyed getting the words in my head out to the world.  My blog titled "Living Single in a Married World" took off and I enjoyed the feed back and conversations I had with many of my friends and viewers.  But then the funniest thing happened...I fell in love again...this time with the man of my dreams!  And soon my days were filled with dates, and firsts, and finally wedding planning and suddenly my blog didn't seem so apropos anymore. 

Well, it's been 8 weeks now that we've been husband and wife and life is exactly what I hoped it would be!  All those posts in my former blog about meeting a partner, best friend, and loving husband have all come true for me!  He's a keeper! We are learning a lot about marriage, communication, giving space, and running a home together!  And most days we are doing just fine!  (Though I still think he wishes I would be a little less chatty and spirited each and every morning...)

One BIG adjustment for me is that in June I decided to officially leave the work force after being a teacher for 10.5 years and have accepted my life as a wife for now!  It's been weird having days at home when there's not much to do (though all those boxes in the basement need to be unpacked at some point...) and it was a little strange not returning to the classroom with all my teaching buddies, but I am enjoying this new role in my life.  I love exploring new recipes on Pinterest to make for my husband when he comes home after a hard days' work!  I am still trying to learn to at least embrace daily dishes, though even with a dishwasher I still hate them!  It's fun to see the hustle and bustle that goes on during the day while others are at work, but I also get to visit some of my "mom" friends who are normally too busy once the kids get out of school!  It's all very new and different and yet, strangely enough, I find myself 100% peaceful.  I love my life!

So I am back my friends...looking forward to reflecting on life as a married woman!  I can't wait to see all that  God is going to throw my way and the fun that there is to be had! 

I hope y'all come along for the ride....