The Scene of the Crime

Today I have to go back.  Back to the scene of the greatest crime committed in my life.  Back to Oakwood Hopsital where the greatest robbery known to man was committed.  The place where my son was taken from me.  I haven't been back since December 21, when Tom and I had to return to make arrangements for our son's burial.  And I am scared.

 

 

This morning I woke up and was admittedly not very pleasant.  My husband was the pleasant one this morning, which is not the norm for us.  I was frazzled, agitated, and grumbling.  I picked up my necklace, which was all knotted (from last night to this morning somehow?) and began swearing a bit and fighting with the necklace.  At that point, there was a hand on my back, a quiet voice telling me to relax, and my eyes began tearing up.  I realized at that moment that maybe my husband wasn't a jerk, maybe something else was going on here...that "maybe" was really a strong anxiety of having to head back to the place where I said good bye to my son.

 

And I have to go.  I have one final test I need to take before we have the "all clear" to begin to try and have another child.  It's just a precaution, but nonetheless, we want to have all our ducks in a row before we attempt another pregnancy.  Anything we can do to make this pregnancy successful, we are willing to do!  Thankfully, although with the impending snow storm I wasn't sure this was going to be the case, a good friend of mine is going to go with me.  She knows the pain of returning to the scene, and so she has offered to brave the storm and hold my hand.

 

I also am going to give back today.  When Jackson died, the clergy who prayed with us gave us a rosary donated by a family who had lost twins and was also given a rosary to remember their children by.  Soon after Jackson died I purchased a crystal rosary to leave at Oakwood.  We also want to pay it forward.  We pray that this rosary will give our son some honor and bring comfort to another family facing the tragedy of losing a child.  It's a small gesture, but it means a lot to my husband and me. 

 

 

So my friends, I ask for your prayers today.  I know I can do this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I am scared, but I am tough and I will get through this day just as I have gotten through the last 2 months.

Praise You in this Storm



If you are familiar with contemporary Christian music, you have undoubtedly heard the song "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns.  It's always been one of my favorite songs, even before I entered this hurricane of a storm we are currently going through.  Yesterday, this song was sung at church during communion time.  The lyrics to the song begin like this:

"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

 

You may find it hard to believe that I haven't cried much in the last few weeks.  I guess that stage of grief had left me for awhile, but when that song was sung so beautifully at Mass yesterday my eyes began to fill once again.  I wasn't only crying for my sadness that still lingers, but really I was crying because of the reality of my thankfulness for my God and my faith during this time.  Truly, the only reason I can get out of bed in the morning is because of my faith.  As this song played I began to reflect on this.  There are times I WANT to be so mad at God.  I want to blame someone for this and if I am not blaming myself and my own body for failing my family, I want to move on to God.  Someone has to take the blame for robbing me, my husband, and those who love us by taking away our Jackson.  But the reality is I can't be mad at God.  And as much as I'd like to point fingers at someone (usually myself), there is no one to blame.  This is just what happens in life.   Not all pregnancies end happily.  That is our new reality.

 

In fact, losing my son has done something for my faith.  Instead of making me doubt God and His works, I find myself trusting Him more easily.  I recognize that there is nothing in this life that I control and that at the end of the day God is all I really have.  Yes, God has blessed me with an awesome, supportive husband, a great family, and wonderful friends, but the love and strength of a human will never measure up to that love of Christ.  People ask how I get through this, and really it's that simple.  I get through this because of my faith.  That's all. I don't know how people get through things like this without faith? Without faith there is no hope that tomorrow will be better.  Without faith the thought of another pregnancy is too daunting and scary.  Without faith, the anger and resentment cripples you and makes getting out of bed harder than necessary. 

 

 

When a woman who has lost a baby has another baby it is called a "rainbow" baby.  I love this.  After this storm we pray that we will see the rainbow when God blesses us with another child.  Unfortunately, we know the reality that there are no absolutes in pregnancy.  Any pregnancy is risky, any pregnancy I have will be high risk.  But just like after a storm the sun comes out and we all find hope in the rainbow, we find hope that God may bless us with a rainbow too!  Rain or shine, we will praise Him knowing truly He never leaves our side.

 

We ALL have "storms" in our lifetime.  Many of you will never lose a child, thank God, but we all lose someone we love at some point.  We all have struggles, crosses to bear.  It's sometimes hard to  see God in the midst of the tragedy, but I pray that you too will find strength in your faith in God.  He is there.  Sometimes quiet, sometimes whispering, but know He is there. And one day then rain will stop, the sun will shine, and somewhere a rainbow will shine with hope that tomorrow will be better.



7 Quick Takes- Take 2

 

***1***

 

 

It's official.  I am done with winter.  I am done with snow.  I am done with cold.  Apparently there are 27 days until Spring arrives and I cannot wait.  I love Michigan and it's 4 seasons.  I even enjoy the snow for awhile, but end of February/beginning of March it's time for the snow and cold to bid us all adieu!

 

***2***

 

Yesterday, Tom said good-bye to his stepfather.  It was sad, but we are peaceful knowing he is no longer suffering.  I only knew him for a short time, but in that small time I realized he had a very quiet wisdom and love about him and he loved my husband.  Family relationships are complicated, and that's putting it mildly, but I appreciate that on days like yesterday we were able to forget all of that for awhile and honor Robert for the man that he was.  Rest in peace, Dad.

 

***3***

 

Speaking of Spring, I officially have the spring cleaning bug.  Today I was looking around at our home and I have this intense desire to clean out and clean up!  Us Bauers have come a long way, but it's time!  Time to tackle the junk room (yes, we have one of those) Time to tackle our stack of bills and papers that need to be filed and sorted.  Time to tackle our basement and make it into the TV room as planned.  I cannot wait to open windows and air out!! It's time!

 

***4***

 

This week I have felt the old Erin resurface.  It has been just over 2 months since we lost our son.  I miss him like crazy and as his due date (April 15th) approaches, I feel the ache of losing him a little more each day, but I also feel stronger.  I also feel like my brain is working again and the fog is lifted.  I knew I was intensely grieving, but it's only when that grief has lifted a bit that I realized the fog I functioned in for the last 2 months.  My arms still feel empty wishing they could hold my little guy and a piece of my heart will always be with that sweet boy in heaven, but I know I will be OK.  The worst of it is over. 

 

***5***

 

Every Friday my husband works from home.  I love Fridays for that reason.  He works all day in the basement in his make shift office, but it's nice just knowing someone else is here with me.  I like to go visit and bring him coffee, lunch, and steal a kiss or two.  We are so blessed that he has the job he does and is able to be home one day a week.  It always starts our weekends off on the right foot.

 

***6***

 

My husband and I both love the theater!  I am so excited that in the next 2 weeks we are going to 3 different shows!  Tomorrow, a former student of mine is performing in "Damn Yankees" with U of D Jesuit's theater program.  The last performance they put on was spectacular, so I am hoping this is the same.  Then, my husband let me splurge and buy us tickets to go see "The Lion King" at the Detroit Opera Theater.  I have heard it is fabulous and I cannot wait.  Lastly, we are season ticket holders to the Dearborn Players Guild and our next show is "Return Engagements."  Tom is always encouraging me to get back into the theater, and maybe one day I will, but for now, I will enjoy watching others perform.  My niece has also started performing in shows and I pray she takes off in her aunt's love of music and theater. 

 

***7***

 

Lenten update:  We have given up going out to eat for Lent (with a Saturday exception.)  So far, so good!  We are pleased to be saving money we would've otherwise spent on eating out and happy to be eating better.  It is tempting to go out or run through fast food, but we feel good about giving this up.  I still want to work on my spiritual life a bit better, but we have enjoyed Stations of the Cross and a few extra rosaries.  I pray all of you are doing well with your Lenten promises and God is blessing you during these 40 days.



7 Quick Takes

 

 

I love to blog, but I don't always get to blog like I want to, so I decided to jump on the Friday 7 Quick Takes that some fellow bloggers have.  So here we go...7 Quick Takes, Take 1! :)

 

 

**1**

 

Yesterday, was Valentine's Day and my husband and I have also been married for 7 months! (My favorite number, which is surprising because I hate prime numbers normally, but I was born at 7:07pm, and weighed 7lbs and 7ounces, so alas, 7 gets a dispensation)  Anyways, for our 7th anniversary falling on Valentines Day it was a hit!  My husband, who doesn't always excel in the random gift department, spoiled me with flowers, charms for my Brighton bracelet, an iTunes gift card (for all of my books I have been reading of late), AND healthy chocolates!  Then he took me out for a wonderful dinner!  The day was perfect!  He's a keeper!

 

**2**

 

Tom and I are having serious discussion about getting rid of our cable and watching Netflix and possibly Hulu solely.  So, those of you out there who already have gone this route...what do you think?  Do you miss cable TV?  We aren't huge TV watchers, but do enjoy a few shows.  How about availability of current shows online?  We are frustrated with how much we pay for cable a month and think this may be a smart place to make cuts in our budget.

 

**3**

 

Did I mention my husband spoils me?  Well, my lease on my Focus was up and we knew we needed to get a new car.  We pray God will bless us with a family down the road, so we knew we needed to upgrade to more of a family friendly car.  We went to the dealer (Taylor Ford if you are looking for a fabulous dealership in the Dearbon area) and had a price point in mind and a car in mind.  We drove the fancy Ford Edge first (this was our first mistake...never drive the fancy car first) and afterwards drove a few other cars, but nothing compared.  We had to negotiate price for a bit, but finally decided to splurge and go fancy!  I love my new car! It's a great ride, very safe for our future family, and super high tech.  I just have to learn how to not play with it while I am driving.  ;)

 

**4**

 

Last Sunday, Tom and I did something we haven't done since we've been married...sadly.  We took a whole day to just lay around.  Isn't that sad?  We didn't have any plans, both of us were tuckered out from a busy week, and we just watched TV and relaxed.  Tom took a nice 2 hr nap (sleeping is his favorite hobby to date) and I read a book.  We decided that day that we need to carve out a few more lazy days in our schedule.  I definitely need to remember that my dear husband needs days like these.  He is a happier camper when he has time to recharge and reboot! Life gets so busy we forget to take time and rest.  I think God knew what he was doing when he instituted the day of rest. 

 

**5**

 

Lent started on Wednesday.  I think Ash Wednesday is one of my favorite days of the year.  I love being about town with ashes on my forehead as a sign of my faith and beliefs.  I also love Lent as a time to focus on my spiritual walk and to be challenged to grow as a follower of Christ.  This year, besides focusing on getting my prayer life back on track, we are also giving up going out to eat (most days with a few exceptions) and praying a rosary for one family member or friend each night.  We hope that come Easter Sunday we will feel closer to the Lord and proud of our efforts.

 

**6**

 

This week I have noticed a few people on Facebook who constantly post negative or condescending posts.  I find it so aggravating.  I even unfriended someone because I was so sick of it! (Gasp! I know...so mean.) It has also made me aware of what I post.  I love Facebook, I think it's a great tool to connect with people, but for those of you who are constantly telling people off on Facebook or complaining.  Stop! It's annoying!  (And I hope you won't be the next victim in my friends list...)

 

**7**

 

Last week, I finally went to an allergist.  Besides having a shell fish allergy (which we knew already) I apparently have a high allergy to dust and mold (who doesn't right?)  But for a woman who is a less than stellar house cleaner this isn't good.  Oh well, back to cleaning.  On a positive note, you can all rest easy that I now carry an epi pen (damn, they are expensive) BUT if I happened to go into anaphalactic shock, hopefully someone can save my life! I even have a training pen if you are interested in learning how to administer it! It involves stabbing me, which may be fun for some of you!  Apparently though, you cannot stab me in the buttock with it...the papers remind you several times of this fact.  So even if I am a pain in the butt...you cannot return the favor!

 

TGIF everyone!!  Have a great weekend! :)  Blessed Lent to all of you Catholics out there (and those of you of other faiths celebrating Lent)