This morning I woke up and was admittedly not very pleasant. My husband was the pleasant one this morning, which is not the norm for us. I was frazzled, agitated, and grumbling. I picked up my necklace, which was all knotted (from last night to this morning somehow?) and began swearing a bit and fighting with the necklace. At that point, there was a hand on my back, a quiet voice telling me to relax, and my eyes began tearing up. I realized at that moment that maybe my husband wasn't a jerk, maybe something else was going on here...that "maybe" was really a strong anxiety of having to head back to the place where I said good bye to my son.
And I have to go. I have one final test I need to take before we have the "all clear" to begin to try and have another child. It's just a precaution, but nonetheless, we want to have all our ducks in a row before we attempt another pregnancy. Anything we can do to make this pregnancy successful, we are willing to do! Thankfully, although with the impending snow storm I wasn't sure this was going to be the case, a good friend of mine is going to go with me. She knows the pain of returning to the scene, and so she has offered to brave the storm and hold my hand.
I also am going to give back today. When Jackson died, the clergy who prayed with us gave us a rosary donated by a family who had lost twins and was also given a rosary to remember their children by. Soon after Jackson died I purchased a crystal rosary to leave at Oakwood. We also want to pay it forward. We pray that this rosary will give our son some honor and bring comfort to another family facing the tragedy of losing a child. It's a small gesture, but it means a lot to my husband and me.
So my friends, I ask for your prayers today. I know I can do this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am scared, but I am tough and I will get through this day just as I have gotten through the last 2 months.
Erin, your husband will be your biggest champion and you will be his when you need to be. This day is another challenge to overcome, you can do it. Remember what Christopher Robin said to Pooh- "Promise me you will always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." This out of the mouths of babes!
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with you Erin. God is with you and when you need him to, he will always carry you. Jackson's short life on this earth will always have a profound affect on many. I am praying that the Lord will grant your deepest desires and make your next pregnancy go smoothly and perfectly. Hugs, Sue Ring
ReplyDeleteYou have all my prayers today. I never know if saying certain things is okay, being that I haven't walked through what you walked through, but I am confident (as I am sure you are) your son will be right there with you today. Your special intercessor in heaven, who will pray for you and Tom and all your future children before the throne of God, I am certain will be asking our heavenly father to watch over you in a particular way.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone! Mary, we have no doubt and talk often about the fact that Jackson is praying for us in heaven each day. He's the first intercessor I go to these days. Thank you all for the prayers and well wishes. The visit was emotional, but I made it. The staff was wonderful.
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