Robbed

Yesterday after I got home from my appointment I once again laid down on the couch and after my mom and niece left I perused the Internet as I usually do.  I went to one of my favorite websites for pregnant women and went to my "bed rest support" group.  I read the women's post.  I often find solace in these ladies' posts because only they can really understand how I am feeling.  Only they know the real fear, discomfort, and boredom we women on bed rest live each and every day!  We celebrate with each other when we make it to an important milestone like 24 weeks.  We grumble or build up each other when one of us is struggling.  We cry with each other when one of us loses a baby or have a bad doctor's appointment.  We share ideas on what you can make for lunch quickly on a trip to the bathroom (you can only have a pb&j so many days in a row) or your favorite snacks that you can keep bedside and that don't need refrigeration.  This is our norm!  We can all relate how exciting and scary it is to go to your doctor's appointments each week and see our doctors.  Our doctors have become our BFFs these days!  And so like I said...I read the posts, left a comment or two, and then thought "I should look at the December 2013 Birth Club Page."

I should start this part of my entry today by saying I do not mean to diminish anyone's pregnancy or symptoms.  I recognize fully that I am abnormal in this situation.  I am the freak here!

Anyways, I began to look through the list of posts and here were some of the titles:

"I peed myself when I sneezed." (Haven't we all at this point?)
"So Embarrassing!!!" (apparently she has a hairy belly)
"Nursery colors"
"MIL keeps referring to baby as 'her baby'"
"Take home outfits for winter"
"Estelle or Isabelle/Isabella"

I found myself reading a lot of these posts and laughing in some ways.  I am ashamed to admit that I found myself scoffing at what I felt was silly worries and thoughts.  Yes, there were some serious posts, and even a few moms that had lost a baby, but many of them were trivial.  I began to think I wish my biggest concerns were if my belly was getting hairy, if I peed my pants every now and then, and if I couldn't decide between blue or green for the nursery walls.

I shut down my computer and went on with my day.  But later last night I began thinking, "Those women aren't trivial or silly (well maybe a few of them), but they are just excited to experience pregnancy for the first time and welcome home a little bundle of joy in a few months."  I realized that what actually happened is that I have been robbed of this joy.  Instead of worrying about nursery colors, I worry if I should even set up a nursery? Should we have a baby shower before Noah is born or would after be safer...just in case.  Ultrasound appointments mean buying 2 more weeks of peace or 2 more weeks of hell and it's all a crap shoot!  Should I take the tags off the clothes I bought when I still had that joy and peace? Did I sit in the chair too long today? Did that put too much pressure on my cervix?  I don't say all of this for pity, but rather for a greater understanding my reality and my mind processes.

And you know what?  It makes me sad.  I want to be one of those women worrying if I picked the right name for my child.  I want to set up my son's nursery without fear and trepidation.  I want my visits to the doctors to deal with my birth plan over just planning how we are going to get me to a point where I can birth my son and he can survive.  In so many ways I have been robbed. 

And so I made a plan today!  I am going to stop letting myself be robbed of this pregnancy.  Our future is unclear and unfortunately my doctors and I are doing all that we can to keep little Noah baking for as long as possible...the rest is out of my hands.  But I am going to try and let myself get giddy every now and then.  Enjoy my growing belly.  Look at baby items online and maybe even order a thing or two.  I am going to begin a craft project for his room and my mom is going to help me start organizing some of the baby items we have already.   My reality is going to change, but my attitude about my reality can.

7 Quick Takes:Take 17...17 Weeks Pregnant (and 5 days)

Isn't that convenient that my Quick Takes have aligned with my weeks in pregnancy??  17 weeks and 5 days pregnant! Amazing that we are nearing the half way point!  It's Friday and once again my hubby is working from home today.  I love having some company...especially these days. So let's do this!

***1***

Speaking of pregnancy, there has been a lot of pregnancy talk these days!  First, a friend of mine who has been trying for a very long time to get pregnant just let a few of us know that she is expecting!  I can't remember the last time I was so excited for someone!! God is so good!  Another friend of mine, Mary, is at the end of her 7th month of pregnancy and really struggling with insomnia and a slew of other pregnancy issues.  She needs our prayers! Another young girl from our church found out she's pregnant, and I pray God will bless her with the full knowledge and responsibility needed to care for a child.  Another friend of mine is going to get an ultrasound today after some scary bleeding earlier this week.  She too knows the pain of losing a child and I am praying that everything is OK.  Finally, I heard of another baby taken to heaven this week.  Pregnancy is something else! It is the most beautiful and awesome responsibility out there, but I will say as I have said before, it is not all bows and butterflies.  It's hard work, it's scary, and it is not for the weak of heart and mind. 

***2***

I wanted to update you all on my pregnancy as well.  This Monday we went to the doctor and although nothing looked horrible, my cervix was slightly opened and shortening.  I cried in frustration once again and after seeing both of my doctors in a mere few hours, I came home to begin my latest adventure in modified bed rest.  Thankfully, I am still able to move about and am not completely glued to the couch, but I do spend roughly 75% or more of my day on the couch or in bed.  It's really frustrating and lonely.  I look forward to times when I can get out of the house and sit at someone else's house.  I try to limit my walking as much as possible, but I am trying to keep my sanity as well.  It's frustrating.  Last night, I was sitting outside watching my husband pick up a boat load of bark that our tree keeps dropping for no apparent reason and then do a variety of other odds and ends and I just started crying.  There are weeds to be picked and chores to be done and I can do any of them.  You may think that sounds lovely, but it really isn't.  Tom works long days and does what he can once he gets home and I do have some other help that comes in, but it is frustrating to just have to sit.  My neighbors must think I am the laziest person on the planet.  Regardless, it's for a good cause.  Please offer a little prayer for us.  Especially that my cervix stabilizes and that little Noah stays safe.

***3***

Friday, before all the drama began, Tom and I took a trip down the Detroit River.  It really was so, so enjoyable! We celebrated one year of marriage and spent time with each other.  We enjoyed some fine Beatles' tunes, took in some beautiful sights, and snuggled up as we made our way down the river.  Apparently, the USPS delivers on the water! It was so cool to see the little boat come our way and then deliver our pizza just as we went under the Ambassador Bridge.  The city of Detroit looks way cool from the water and you almost forget that turmoil it is in as you take in the sights and lights.  It was a perfect date and celebration of surviving a year of marriage.







***4***

I would just like to say to all of you who whined about the cooler temperatures we had earlier this summer.....ARE YOU HAPPY NOW??? That's all....

***5***

Tom and I continue on our journey of Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover."  We have learned a lot already and of a lot of his no-no's we are doing pretty good....other than buying cars and leasing them.  Hmmmm...we will have to revisit those decisions later.  We've been eating at home and I've been spending less and it feels pretty doggone good so far.  It has also opened up a greater communication about our finances, which is very important.  Now it's only been a week, but I feel like we are building some good momentum! Wish us luck!

***6***

We have 2 celebrations to attend to this weekend.  (I can't wait to get out of my house and sit at someone else's house!!!)  Tonight we get to celebrate one of our favorite 1 year olds! Yay Judah!! And tomorrow we get to celebrate my cousin Jessica's graduation from high school! She received a scholarship for softball to Uof M-D (both Tom and my alma mater) and we are very happy for her! I can't wait to be around good friends and family even if it is for a short time each day!

***7***

This past weekend my husband also pushed me in a wheelchair around 2 street fairs.  It was lovely! (and stinkin hot!) We bought mostly books for Noah!  We both are suckers for good books.  My favorite is "A is for Ark: Noah's ABC book"  He sure is going to be one lucky little boy!

Well folks, that's all for now!  Sunday's high is 79!!  Enjoy the cool off!  I can't wait to open up our windows and let some fresh air in!  For now, however, I am more than grateful for our central air!  A life saver!

7 Quick Takes:I'm Back!

It's been a busy couple weeks and I realized that I haven't done my quick takes in a few weeks! I am sure you were all disappointed and just waiting with baited breath for my return! Well wait no longer!

***1***

Well, I think I will start off with the biggest news!  We are 2 days away from celebrating one glorious year of marriage!  I really can't believe how much I've learned about being a wife in this past year.  I can honestly say that my husband has taught me how to be a better woman and wife.  He's tried to help me learn "not to sweat the small stuff."  My husband has taught me about being a team and learning to ask for his help.  My husband has taught me how to fight fair and calmly (most of the time) and my husband has shown me the closest thing possible to Christ's unconditional love.  I can honestly say I love my dear husband more and more each day and I can't imagine a better man in my life.  They say the 2nd year is the hardest (especially adjusting to a new born) but we are going to do our best to make it an even better year!


***2***

Speaking of our anniversary, part of our wedding package was that we get a free cake on our first anniversary that is the exact same cake as our wedding cake!  Well, TODAY IS THE DAY!! I think we might be most excited about this part of celebrating our anniversary! My husband especially!  He loves cake!!! (And any other dessert there is out there...)


***3***

This week Tom and I sat down and did some family financial planning.  We were inspired by our friend Mary who just celebrated being debt free on Dave Ramsey's show in Tennessee.  Luckily, by comparison to many Americans, we aren't in major debt, but we do have some and we would really like to eliminate as much as we can.  Especially those pesky store cards with ridiculous interest rates!  So we sat down and made a plan and are both excited to tackle this debt in the next year.  We already started by paying off Kohl's this month.  (I know they are going to miss me....)  We went last night and bought Dave Ramsey's book and workbook and hope it will keep us on track and excite us to stay serious!


***4***

Part of our financial plan led us to looking at what we spend frivolously.  And looking at the past month we realized that we were eating out WAY TOO MUCH! So we decided to cut ourselves down to eating out only 2 meals a week.  So it's back to Pinterest for me!  I actually do enjoy cooking and don't know why we got so out of habit (other than pregnancy nausea and fatigue.) 

***5***

Tonight to celebrate our vacation and anniversary we are going on a little dinner/dance cruise out of Wyandotte on the Detroit River.  There is a Beatles's band playing and I went out and bought a special outfit to wear that doesn't involve a cotton tshirt!  I am looking forward to a romantic cruise on the river just my hubby and me!  I will be packing my anti nausea medicine just in case!

***6***

Although I am as sick of the rain as the rest of you, I have to tell you that it has done wonders for my garden!  Since this is my first year planting a garden so I was a little nervous!!  Needless to say I haven't had to do a darn thing and my tomato plants and herbs are flourishing!  One positive shout out for the rain! (Our water bill thanks you too!)

***7***

Our cat makes me laugh every day!  Today she is extra cuddly and sweet!  She honestly makes me smile every day!



Well folks...we are off to the bowling alley with Tom's niece and nephew! I get to be the cheerleader and Uncle Tom gets to show the kids his skills!  Have a great weekend everyone!!

Counting the days....

If you have been pregnant than you have undoubtedly gotten the question, "How far along are you?" And more than likely you answered something like "20 weeks" or "7 months."  When I get that question I usually respond the same..."16 weeks" but in my head I am thinking "16 weeks 4 days..." You see I can give you the count on any given day of just how far along I am.  I have always been a numbers person, but these days these numbers I count have so much meaning to them.  I am counting until the words "24 weeks" come out of my mouth...and oh the sweet sound of "28 weeks" will bring to my ears. If you've been pregnant you know the importance of those numbers.  At 24 weeks a fetus has a 50% chance of surviving, although with likely complications, and at 28 weeks a fetus has a 90% of survival with even less complications.  Most women count to 40 and yet 40 seems like an insurmountable number to comprehend at this point.

I don't have to tell you that are reading this that this is my 2nd pregnancy and my first pregnancy ended in delivering my beautiful son at 23 weeks, in which he fought for his life for 4 days on this earth before he was taken home to heaven.  You see the odds were not good for my little Jackson, the numbers in his case were against him.  His dad and I found out at 18 weeks that my cervix wasn't strong enough to sustain a full term pregnancy.  So, now that we are on pregnancy number 2, to another sweet little boy, Noah, we once again find ourselves playing the number game.

Up until the last day or 2 I have been overly ecstatic to be pregnant again (I still am...), but something else has really creeped in as we approach the 18 week mark where everything went wrong last time.  FEAR, bone-chilling, heart pounding fear.  Despite the fact that my doctors assure me that the cerclage they placed give me a great chance of a successful pregnancy, despite my weekly (sometimes more frequent) doctor's appointments where I usually see my little man on video and hear his heart beat, despite all the precautions I am taking to limit my activity and keep everything intact, I am so scared!  Could this happen again?  In fact, just recently a hurtful comment was made about me that "I act like I am the only one whoever was pregnant before."  These people feel like I am being dramatic and seeking attention with  this pregnancy.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  In actuality, I am seeking any positive reinforcement and excitement I can get because the doubt and fear that lingers with this pregnancy runs deep.  Each day my husband and I thank God that we are one day closer to those milestones, one day closer to bringing our son home, one day closer to a big sigh of relief.

So today I am 16 weeks 4 days, in 1 week and 2 days, I will hit the 18 week mark.  In just about 7 weeks our little Noah will be considered viable.  And in 11 weeks, mommy and daddy will breathe a BIG sigh of relief knowing our little guy has one heck of a chance of coming home in our arms.  But until then can I ask for your prayers? The phrase "Do not be afraid" appears more in the Bible than any other phrase, so I pray for God's peace that surpasses all understanding.