Robbed

Yesterday after I got home from my appointment I once again laid down on the couch and after my mom and niece left I perused the Internet as I usually do.  I went to one of my favorite websites for pregnant women and went to my "bed rest support" group.  I read the women's post.  I often find solace in these ladies' posts because only they can really understand how I am feeling.  Only they know the real fear, discomfort, and boredom we women on bed rest live each and every day!  We celebrate with each other when we make it to an important milestone like 24 weeks.  We grumble or build up each other when one of us is struggling.  We cry with each other when one of us loses a baby or have a bad doctor's appointment.  We share ideas on what you can make for lunch quickly on a trip to the bathroom (you can only have a pb&j so many days in a row) or your favorite snacks that you can keep bedside and that don't need refrigeration.  This is our norm!  We can all relate how exciting and scary it is to go to your doctor's appointments each week and see our doctors.  Our doctors have become our BFFs these days!  And so like I said...I read the posts, left a comment or two, and then thought "I should look at the December 2013 Birth Club Page."

I should start this part of my entry today by saying I do not mean to diminish anyone's pregnancy or symptoms.  I recognize fully that I am abnormal in this situation.  I am the freak here!

Anyways, I began to look through the list of posts and here were some of the titles:

"I peed myself when I sneezed." (Haven't we all at this point?)
"So Embarrassing!!!" (apparently she has a hairy belly)
"Nursery colors"
"MIL keeps referring to baby as 'her baby'"
"Take home outfits for winter"
"Estelle or Isabelle/Isabella"

I found myself reading a lot of these posts and laughing in some ways.  I am ashamed to admit that I found myself scoffing at what I felt was silly worries and thoughts.  Yes, there were some serious posts, and even a few moms that had lost a baby, but many of them were trivial.  I began to think I wish my biggest concerns were if my belly was getting hairy, if I peed my pants every now and then, and if I couldn't decide between blue or green for the nursery walls.

I shut down my computer and went on with my day.  But later last night I began thinking, "Those women aren't trivial or silly (well maybe a few of them), but they are just excited to experience pregnancy for the first time and welcome home a little bundle of joy in a few months."  I realized that what actually happened is that I have been robbed of this joy.  Instead of worrying about nursery colors, I worry if I should even set up a nursery? Should we have a baby shower before Noah is born or would after be safer...just in case.  Ultrasound appointments mean buying 2 more weeks of peace or 2 more weeks of hell and it's all a crap shoot!  Should I take the tags off the clothes I bought when I still had that joy and peace? Did I sit in the chair too long today? Did that put too much pressure on my cervix?  I don't say all of this for pity, but rather for a greater understanding my reality and my mind processes.

And you know what?  It makes me sad.  I want to be one of those women worrying if I picked the right name for my child.  I want to set up my son's nursery without fear and trepidation.  I want my visits to the doctors to deal with my birth plan over just planning how we are going to get me to a point where I can birth my son and he can survive.  In so many ways I have been robbed. 

And so I made a plan today!  I am going to stop letting myself be robbed of this pregnancy.  Our future is unclear and unfortunately my doctors and I are doing all that we can to keep little Noah baking for as long as possible...the rest is out of my hands.  But I am going to try and let myself get giddy every now and then.  Enjoy my growing belly.  Look at baby items online and maybe even order a thing or two.  I am going to begin a craft project for his room and my mom is going to help me start organizing some of the baby items we have already.   My reality is going to change, but my attitude about my reality can.