Counting the days....

If you have been pregnant than you have undoubtedly gotten the question, "How far along are you?" And more than likely you answered something like "20 weeks" or "7 months."  When I get that question I usually respond the same..."16 weeks" but in my head I am thinking "16 weeks 4 days..." You see I can give you the count on any given day of just how far along I am.  I have always been a numbers person, but these days these numbers I count have so much meaning to them.  I am counting until the words "24 weeks" come out of my mouth...and oh the sweet sound of "28 weeks" will bring to my ears. If you've been pregnant you know the importance of those numbers.  At 24 weeks a fetus has a 50% chance of surviving, although with likely complications, and at 28 weeks a fetus has a 90% of survival with even less complications.  Most women count to 40 and yet 40 seems like an insurmountable number to comprehend at this point.

I don't have to tell you that are reading this that this is my 2nd pregnancy and my first pregnancy ended in delivering my beautiful son at 23 weeks, in which he fought for his life for 4 days on this earth before he was taken home to heaven.  You see the odds were not good for my little Jackson, the numbers in his case were against him.  His dad and I found out at 18 weeks that my cervix wasn't strong enough to sustain a full term pregnancy.  So, now that we are on pregnancy number 2, to another sweet little boy, Noah, we once again find ourselves playing the number game.

Up until the last day or 2 I have been overly ecstatic to be pregnant again (I still am...), but something else has really creeped in as we approach the 18 week mark where everything went wrong last time.  FEAR, bone-chilling, heart pounding fear.  Despite the fact that my doctors assure me that the cerclage they placed give me a great chance of a successful pregnancy, despite my weekly (sometimes more frequent) doctor's appointments where I usually see my little man on video and hear his heart beat, despite all the precautions I am taking to limit my activity and keep everything intact, I am so scared!  Could this happen again?  In fact, just recently a hurtful comment was made about me that "I act like I am the only one whoever was pregnant before."  These people feel like I am being dramatic and seeking attention with  this pregnancy.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  In actuality, I am seeking any positive reinforcement and excitement I can get because the doubt and fear that lingers with this pregnancy runs deep.  Each day my husband and I thank God that we are one day closer to those milestones, one day closer to bringing our son home, one day closer to a big sigh of relief.

So today I am 16 weeks 4 days, in 1 week and 2 days, I will hit the 18 week mark.  In just about 7 weeks our little Noah will be considered viable.  And in 11 weeks, mommy and daddy will breathe a BIG sigh of relief knowing our little guy has one heck of a chance of coming home in our arms.  But until then can I ask for your prayers? The phrase "Do not be afraid" appears more in the Bible than any other phrase, so I pray for God's peace that surpasses all understanding.