You see last week was a bad week for us. My little guy, as sweet and as cute as he is, well he's not the greatest sleeper and when he does sleep he would much rather sleep in mommy and daddy's arms than anywhere else! So last week, when the temperatures were only fit for polar bears to be out in and Tom's commute back and forth to work had at least an extra half hour each way, and our little guy decided to rarely nap, be extra fussy, and fight feedings...well, things became very frustrating for both Noah and me. Some times I even cried right along with him. By Thursday night, I was at my tipping point. Tom got home at 6:30 with dinner (cause there was no way I was cooking), we ate, I pumped milk for what seemed like the 400th time that day (I HATE that machine!) and promptly told my husband at 7:30pm that I was going to bed despite his shock. We had kind of hit a parenting low.
Being the parent of a preemie has it's own set of challenges. Although we survived the NICU, it's not easy being a parent of a preemie (or any baby). Preemies really run their own path. Although Noah is almost 4 months old (Can you even believe that?) his adjusted age (counting from his due date) is only 3 weeks old. So that means for the most part, Noah is doing what one month old babies do.
And one month old babies don't sleep that well. Especially when weight is not on their side. So normal sleep deprivation is prolonged in the parents of preemies. Noah wakes up hungry every couple of hours because his belly can only handle so much. So regardless if we want to increase his food, he just can't handle it. Nursing has been hit and miss despite my wishes to breast feed and dump the pump, all it was doing was making for a fussier baby! And you know what? All of that is very, very frustrating! And you know what? That frustration was overwhelming my life...it became my focus.But this weekend, after Tom and I had some much needed time out of the house with Noah, and after we went and bought a Rock N Play, which is supposed to rock for fussy babies with acid reflux (did I mention Noah also has reflux and is thankfully on meds to help?), and I decided to relax about feedings and just let Noah dictate what he needed when and how? (Maybe we will eventually get to breastfeed exclusively, and maybe we won't. ) But this morning when I was talking to my friend with the sick child, who was looking forward to snuggling with her little one, I began to realize that my little snuggler will only be this little for awhile. (He is growing like a weed!) Ask any mom of a rambunctious toddler how much they miss those snuggles and I am sure most will attest that they do.
I realized that I was so focused on the fact that my kid was going to beat the odds of preemies and sleep through the night (or at least 6 hours) sooner than most. I was so focused on getting him to nurse rather thus being judged for using a bottle (some people do judge you for that...rest assured...they're out there, but most of the judgement is in my head I am sure.) I was focused that I wasn't going to hold my child too much, lest he become a spoiled brat who never wanted to be put down. And I was bound and determined that he was going to eat more, so he would sleep more. And I was so focused on all of these frustrating things that all I was was frustrated! And guess what? So was my son. Because remember, he's a "3 week old" and you know the only thing 3 week olds care about? They want their mom (and dad). They want to feel loved and cared for. They want to snuggle. And because I was too focused on these things I forgot to just enjoy this time in my son's life. I asked God for this boy, this snuggler, and He gifted me with him and all I was acting like was an ungrateful, spoiled brat.
Yes, I know, go easy on myself. It's not always easy to hold a baby when your dishes are a mile high, you would rather be blogging at that moment, or perhaps it's 2 am and I can hardly keep my eyes open. But we went through a lot to get this little boy home. And I need to remember that most kids eventually sleep through the night. Most kids learn to sleep in their own beds too. If Noah never nurses, it's ok, because he will always be fed. So until then, I need to try and enjoy every stage of this sweet boy's life, because as the old lady at Target reminded me...it's gonna go fast. Soon, he won't slow down long enough to snuggle with his mom. Soon, I will wake up in a panic when he decides to finally sleep through the night for the first time. Soon, he will need a sippy cup, not a bottle or a boob and those middle of the night feedings will be no longer.
And it's funny...do you know today Noah took 2 bottles with the increased amount? And this morning slept for 3 straight hours for the first time ever. He's getting there. And he will...just not on mom's time table. So sleep deprivation may live on a bit longer in our home. Frustrating moments will occur, but it's time I make a concerted effort to enjoy the joy that happens in between. (Like Noah turning his head back and forth multiple time during tummy time!) Although it feels like it, there really in no reward for being "Mom of the Year." And like those many blog posts remind us, doing our best as a mom is what our kids need. And so starting today, I am hoping to slow down and start enjoying being the mom to a really great kid! And when he wakes me at 2am to eat, I am going to try and be gracious and remember it's only for a little while longer rather than focus on the agony of getting out of that warm bed with poofy eyes and black circles down to my nose, because that's why my son deserves! He's given a lot to be here and he deserves a mom who focuses on what he needs not what she needs.
Gosh. it's so hard and so beautiful isn't it? I can't imagine the preemie thing. Noah is so lucky to have you guys. And, here's hopin' for sleep soon.
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