The High Risk Rollercoaster

On Sunday, Tom and I decided to announce to the world that we are expecting our 2nd child, our rainbow baby, after losing our first child in a second term lost due to what doctor's are calling an "incompetent cervix."  It's taking some swallowing, grief, and heartache to get over that phrase.  In my eyes it basically means, despite having no control over the situation, my body failed my baby.  So getting pregnant a second time, a little under 4 months after losing our son Jackson, wasn't something we did without a lot of conversation, research, and prayer.  Despite what some may think, we aren't just crazy NFP using Catholics who threw caution to the wind and didn't think about the implications of a 2nd pregnancy. So on April 13, 2 days before Jackson's due date, when Tom and I found out we were going to parents again, we were of course overjoyed and a little scared as to what the journey ahead for us would be. 

I had spoken to my OB-GYN shortly after losing Jackson and learned that my chances for a 2nd successful pregnancy were pretty good.  In fact, 85-90% of women who suffer a loss from an incompetent cervix are able to deliver healthy babies with an emergent cerclage.  We knew that any pregnancy we have from here on out would be considered high risk and that at the end of the first trimester (just 4 more weeks!) we could have a cerclage put in to tie up my cervix.  We are anxious for June 13th to arrive so that my high risk doctor can do just that and we won't have to worry that my malfunctioning cervix won't sustain this pregnancy too. 

The peace this brings my husband and I is great, and we are so excited to welcome another child into our family, but I would be lying to you if I didn't tell you that there are days that we are really, really scared.  One of the best things and worse things about losing a child is that you find out there are a lot of other women in the world that have lost a child...a lot.  These women have gotten me through some of my worst times.  But a lot of these women have had more than one loss.  Now, luckily for us, Jackson was very healthy and the only thing wrong with our pregnancy was my cervix, but many women have blood clotting disorders and genetic issues that make subsequent pregnancies more difficult.  So hearing other stories, I always wonder, will I too have a second loss?  Is it possible that this nightmare could happen to me again?

I was speaking about this fear to my priest friend and he wisely reminded me that this child I am carrying really belongs to God.  Our job as parents is to get him or her (though with this nausea I am feeling I suspect a little girl...) back to heaven.  Many parents give their child to the Lord after they are born, but he suggested that perhaps Tom and I should offer our child back to the Lord right now. He wasn't suggesting that we ask the Lord to take our baby, but rather give him or her to God right now and put all of this back in God's hands.  My fear and worrying isn't going to make things better, in fact, it will only make things worse.  So that night Tom and I consecrated our child to the Lord.  We decided to stop trying to control the situation and give it all back to Him.  He really does a better job than us anyways. 

Consecrating this child to the Lord did bring us some peace, but there are days I still really worry.  I try to remember that I can't control it anyways and I am doing the best I can do to give this baby every chance of survival and that's all I can do.  I try and talk to our child and bond despite fearing I will get too close, but how can a mother not love their child?  We thought about keeping our pregnancy a secret for a long time, but being the fact that I am the worst secret keeper there is, and that I wanted to share this joy with others, we decided Mother's Day would be a good day to announce our pregnancy.  Even that was scary...all week I have had to fight the worries and fear that now that I have told everyone something is going to happen to this baby.  The positive and supportive response reminds me that we made the right decision.  If something happens, these are the people who will pray for me, love on us, and help us through.  In fact, by telling so many people we have upped our prayers for our baby substantially.  It really does take a village!

Then today I thought of the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Judy Garland (one of my top favorite songs) and I remembered the lyrics.  This song is about hope for a new day.  Instead of fearing another loss, I had to remember that God had given us hope again...hope of another baby to hold and love.  I need to embrace the fact that He has made me a mother not once, but twice.  I owe it to this baby to be happy, excited, and dreaming of his or her future.  He or she deserves my peace and my love. 

 

So once again, it's time I swallow my fear, accept the challenge, and enjoy the thrilling and fulfilling ride that awaits me...hands in the air with a smile on my face!