7 Posts in 7 Days: Day 2 RESPECT

Well, here goes day 2 in my 7 posts in 7 days series. (Wow, that sounds official.) Anyways, if you want to follow along I will be here God willing for the next week with my thoughts on what I've learned in life.  Follow along others 7 days posts here. 

So, as promised today I am talking about husbands and the respect they deserve.  My thoughts are inspired by Matt Walsh's article on this topic.  I should tell you before you read that article that I love most of what Matt Walsh says in MOST of his posts...however, he can come off as a bit of a jerk and a know-it-all...regardless, I think he's dead on with this one and it was a great reminder for me.

Anyways...back to husbands and respect.  If you follow the Bible you know the famous verse from Ephesians that tell us wives to respect our husbands and husbands should love their wives.  It was read at our wedding.  It can be highly controversial because some see it as wives need to be submissive to their husbands in almost a slave like manner.  That is not the case.  The truth of the matter is, if you are a woman the number one thing you desire is to feel love.  We seek love in any way we can get it...sometimes healthy ways and sometimes unhealthy ways.  How many of us have gasped when we hear a young girl is pregnant, or wants a baby at 16, or is showing herself in provocative ways to her boyfriend over snap chat or Facebook?? Why do these young girls do this?  Because they are seeking love any way they can get it.  They want to feel loved and will go to any length to get it...even if it's temporary. 

But we are talking about husbands here...my point is showing that extreme case of how strongly we as women desire love from a very young age.  Thankfully, many of us were raised to hopefully look for love in healthy and appropriate ways.  The love of family, friends, and other loved ones.  Ok...do you know what I am talking about?  Now, think about the men in your life...they desire  to be respected the same way we desire to be loved.  It is what drives them, encourages them, inspires them...it makes them feel more masculine than anything else in the world. And yet, I think so many of us women fall short when it comes to respecting our husbands the way they deserve...not because they're saints (goodness knows that ain't the truth...) but rather because if we want them to be the men we desire them to be it's required.   There are 4 ways we can better respect our husbands that I want to touch on, that have been lessons to me in my marriage and sharing in other's marriages.

When my husband and I were going through marriage prep our priest sternly told both of us never dog each other to our friends and family.  His reason being that we will forgive our spouses, but our friends and family will hold it over them.  Yes, we all vent sometimes, but he encouraged us to find that one or two people that you could trust to just listen and not judge or take it elsewhere.  I listened, but thought I would know better.  Early in my marriage (Ha! I guess by some standards it's still early in my marriage, but at the very beginning let's say...) I would call my mom or friend and complain about this or that that Tom did.  Nothing major of course, but still annoyances.  Quickly, I began to recognize those people holding those things against Tom.  Or making assumptions about him based things I had told them.  I realized that my big mouth was hurting my husband's reputation.  I learned quickly to shut up.  Yes, I have a handful of girlfriends I can run to when I need to let off some steam, but otherwise, when I speak about my husband to others I try to remain positive.  Why? Because although he isn't perfect, neither am I.  He doesn't tell everyone what a jerk I can be, why should I do the same to him.  Also, what a reflection on me if I am constantly dogging my husband.  Doesn't that mean I make bad choices?

I have become so aware of how others talk about their husbands.  Both of my sisters-in-law are excellent examples of how it should be.  I have never once heard either of them say a bad word about their husbands....and since one of them happened to live with me growing up for 20+ years I know what a pain he can be...but not a word.  Yes, I've heard them bicker and tease about flaws, but for the most part neither mutters an unkind word about their husbands.  And you know what?  They've both been married almost 14 years.  That says something in this day and age.  There are others in my life that all too often are quick to insult and embarrass their husbands at any given moment.  It makes me cringe sometimes to watch the faces of their husbands or gauge their reaction and our uncomfortableness as their wife bashes them.  I cringe even more and even (gasp!) have unfriended someone on Facebook because they constantly bashed their husbands publicly in their status updates.  All this does is beat our men down.  I would go out on a limb and say some of these marriages are suffering because of the lack of respect and privacy given to their husbands.  You don't have to be gushy and fake, but say something nice about your husband in public.  Tell them about that mean lasagna he baked, or that he did all the laundry for you.  Show the picture of the flowers he gave you or that one where he was playing lego with your son.  Men notice it.  And I promise you, it means something to them.

The next one was (and really still is) a work in progress for me.  Nagging.  Do you know one of the worst way we as women disrespect our husbands? We nag them....to death.  Literally.  I'm a nagger.  I am not proud of it, but I am.  I constantly work on being less bossy, and believe it or not I've come a long way.  Talk about quickly emasculating our husbands.  How easily we forget that we didn't marry a child (even if they act that way sometimes), but we married a man; a bonafide adult.  Tom couldn't win in my house for a long time..."Do this....no not that way, this way."  "When are you going to do this? I asked you 5 minutes ago?" "Don't eat that." "You're going to wear that out?" (Ok, he still gets this one from time to time.) The man couldn't do or not do anything without me giving an opinion, an order, or a suggestion to a better way in which to do it.  And I will be honest, it was crushing our marriage.  I can remember the look on his face when I nagged him to death and gave him no respect.  I didn't trust him to make decisions or do things differently than I would want him to do them.  I forgot that he had feelings too and maybe today he really didn't feel like doing this or that.  Ladies, respect your men enough to treat them as adults and not children.  Just the other day I caught myself questioning why Tom had 2 Gatorades in one day??  Especially the ones that he was supposed to take to work.  I literally caught myself mid nag and thought...."SHUT UP. Who am I to tell this grown man, who works hard and provides for his family just how many Gatorades he can have in one day?" Like I said....a work in progress.  Fight your battles.  What's really important?  If it is important, sit down like 2 adults and talk about it.  If it's not important...let it go. 

Just as our words can be used to tearing down, they can also be used for building up.  One of the greatest ways we can respect our husbands is by telling them (and showing them) our gratitude.  My husband, like many of your husbands I bet, has this lovely habit of leaving all his socks by his side of the bed which is covered by our bed so I don't see them there...until I've just finished all of the laundry.  ;)  So I went to him and asked him to work on it.  (In a very NON-nagging way I am sure....)  Anyways, the other day I did a bazillion loads of laundry.  Just as I finished the last load I remembered the sock pandemic.  I walked over to his side of the bed and you know what??? No socks! Not one.  That night I thanked my husband for thinking of me.  It's those little words that give our husbands great respect.  Instead of pointing out what they do wrong, thank them for what they do right.  Some days it might be hard, but find something to say thank you for.  I have found that when I am showing gratitude for my husband, he is really more likely to try and be more loving and pleasing to me.  You know why?  He feels respected.  A man who feels respected gives off respect and love.   Use your words to build up your man. 

Finally, ladies...this might not be popular or even appealing to some of you, but make sex a priority in your marriage.  Not just cuddling or a kiss good night, but rather make sure the marital act is a priority in your marriage.  I know...I've got a newborn at home and most days we are exhausted as I am sure many of you are.  At the end of a long day or week, sex is often not the first...or even 10th thing on our minds.  Most of the time we desire just to get under the sheets and fall asleep as fast as possible in hopes that we can get some shut eye in before the baby wakes.  As women most of us can go without sex.  We desire the intimacy of our husbands, but actual intercourse isn't always the priority.  Well guess what? It is to men.  Men on a very large level are encouraged, respected, and made to feel important when they make love to their wives.  Ask them.  Why do you think we have such a pornography epidemic on our hands?  Honestly, so many women are not making sex a priority in their marriage. But ladies, it's time to take one for the team.  Men need it.  It's so healthy for them (and really...you too.)  As Catholics we believe that making love to our husbands is like renewing our wedding vows each time. We are saying to our husbands I give myself fully to you again.  I choose you again.  You're still the one!  What an awesome message we send to our husbands when we sacrifice time away from everyone else...and even a little shut eye...to let our husbands know that they are the priority.  That there is no one else you'd rather be with in such an intimate way. 

Take some time this week to look at your marriage.  Are you respecting your husband?  Are there some areas you need to work on? What would you add to this list?

Come back tomorrow for my reflections on being a mom and the choices we make when we have children.....