Seek Ye First...

This weekend Tom and I went away for the weekend. We hadn't been away since our honeymoon in July, and with all that has transpired over the past 8 months, we knew we really needed to get away. Being the middle of Lent, we also had wanted to do something spiritual during this holy season, so we started our weekend off with the Michigan Catholic Young Adult Conference. We booked a room and headed to Lansing. And although I struggled with some anxiety the first night, I was really looking forward to hearing Steve Ray speak on Saturday. He's a Catholic Convert like me and I love hearing conversion stories. His, of course, was no exception.

As Steve Ray was speaking about his conversion story, however, he quoted a scripture that struck a nerve with me. Matthew 6:33 says, "But seek you first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you." Now don't get me wrong, Steve Ray didn't say anything wrong, he just said something that didn't sit well with me. You see, since losing our son after only 4 days on this earth, and being a devout christian, I really struggled with (and still do) the injustice I feel. (I apologize in advance for the judgmental nature of these next thoughts, but I prefer to be real than act as if I didn't have these thoughts.) You see, in my opinion, Tom and I lived out this verse. Although both flawed, we DID put God first in our lives. We both waited a very long time to get married to the other. We knew from the beginning that after waiting so long, God finally, in His wisdom, brought us together. We tried very hard to court one another in a christian way. We waited until our wedding night to make love for the first time. And again, let me stress, we were in no way perfect through this and struggled at times, but we did try and put God first in our relationship. And so when we found out we were pregnant after only being married a few weeks, we were overjoyed! There wouldn't be the pain in child bearing that was there waiting for our spouse. We were, however, wrong. An insufficient cervix would change that all. We would often sit in the waiting room at the hospital for yet another ultrasound and be the only married couple there. I would look around and get angry thinking, "These women probably don't even know who the dad is of their child and their child will be just fine , yet my child probably won't live." (It's hard to admit thoughts like this, because no child deserves to die and no mother deserves to lose her child, but I couldn't help but to think those thoughts at those moments.) And so when Steve Ray read this scripture and commented on the fact that God had indeed blessed him from that day forward, I got really angry. And so a conversation between God and I went like this:

Erin: "Why? This scripture is a lie." (I told you I was angry.)

God: "Isn't that thinking like the Prosperity Gospel that you so adamantly oppose?"

Erin: "Yes Lord, You are right, just because I am a christian doesn't mean that life is going to be all hunky-dory for me. In fact in the Beatitudes you promised just the opposite. But Lord, I didn't deserve this....we did everything right."

God: "Did those other women deserve it?"

Erin: "No, of course not, no woman deserves to suffer through this pain. "

At this point, although I suppose I knew this in my head, I had to accept this in my heart. There was no sin or action on my part, or anyone else's part that caused this for me or that could've saved me from this pain. Our actions don't cause bad or good things to happen to us. A Jewish rabbi wrote a book "Bad things happen to Good People." I had to accept that. But I questioned God still....with one lingering question....WHY?

At that point I again heard the gentle voice of our Lord whisper to me, "My Mother knows how you feel..." Mary...yes, Mary knows. Certainly Mary, who as a Catholic, I believe was conceived without sin, couldn't have deserved to lose her Son. In fact, she was the perfect disciple to The Lord, much better than myself, but she lost her Son. Mary knew what it was like to watch your son struggle to live and not be able to do anything to help Him. In fact, Mary was the person I prayed to when my Son was struggling. I would ask her to hold him when I couldn't be there and I ask her still to watch over my son until I one day am reunited with him in heaven. And although I ran to Mary in my time of struggle, I never thought about the fact that Mary knew exactly what I am going through. Mary felt my pain.

This morning, when I was having a difficult time escaping the depression, I walked upstairs and on the way I passed a picture of The Pieta that I keep on a table at the bottom of the stairs. I looked at Mary holding Jesus and the memory of me holding my dying son flashed before my eyes. I had come to accept by this point that I will probably never fully understand why Jackson was taken from us, but I knew I could draw peace and consolation from understanding Our Lady's pain of losing her only begotten Son. I pulled out 2 of my favorite books on the life of Mary. "The Life of Mary: As Seen by the Mystics" by Raphael Brown and "Mystery of Mary: Mary, Model of the Growth of Christian Life" by Fr. Marie-Dominique Phillippe, O.P. I began to read about The Passion of Christ, through the eyes of His Mother. And although I didn't get more of an answer to my "why?" I was reminded of the great intercessor, friend, and mother I had in Mary. Many people on this earth cannot fathom what losing a child is like (thank God for that...) but I have someone I can always turn to.

And so as Holy Week begins and we will once again walk with Christ to Calvary, I imagine it will be a little different for me this year. As I am carrying a very heavy cross myself this year, I will walk beside my friend and mother and allow her to encourage me. She knew she would one day be with her Son in heaven just as I will one day be there with mine. What a sweet, sweet day that will be...